


Mikey's goodbye

by NinjaEnergy



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Family, Mikey thinks he's unimportant, Suicide Notes, sad mikey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 18:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10791810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinjaEnergy/pseuds/NinjaEnergy
Summary: Mikey's convinced he will never be useful to his family and wants to end his life once and for all. But he can't do that without saying a proper goodbye to his brothers and father. Might be triggering; you've been warned! 2k16 turtle verse





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thank you again to everyone that like/favorited/reviewed the last story. It’s really appreciated! I didn’t get a ton of reviews, but I know enough people liked it if it was favorited!
> 
> I swear I’m writing out a story with the brothers finding out about Mikey’s depression and helping him out. It’s in the works, honest! This came to mind while I was reading a part of my story and I had to write it out.
> 
> The verb tense is a little all over the place, I know. This is Mikey writing this out while very emotionally strung out and the last thing he is thinking about is proper verb usage. He had enough putting it together so his brothers would understand how he felt. It’s basically Mikey’s suicide note to his family, so consider yourself warned!

I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t be the happy turtle that you all expect me to be. I can’t be brave like Leo. I can’t be strong like Raph and I definitely can’t be brilliant like Donnie.

So maybe it’s better for everyone if I just...stopped being.

I tried...I tried so hard to make my talents, if you want to even call them that, be of use in this family and I failed. Cooking and heart aren’t things that are of any use. You’ll probably think “but who’s going to do all the cooking? That was your thing Mikey!” One of you can learn to cook. And if you all suck that badly at it, just order pizzas more often. There. Problem solved.

Clearly, if I was able to answer that question within 10 seconds, it shows how utterly useless I am.

What would we do if Leo wasn’t around to guide and take care of us?

What would we do if Raph wasn’t around to fight off everyone and get us home safe?

What would we do if Donnie wasn’t around to fix and build everything we have?

Those are the questions that are impossible to answer easily.

There wouldn’t be anyone that could step up and replace any of you. All of you have things that are vital to the team, and vital to the family that if any of you were to go, everything would just fall apart.

I leave and all you have to do is find a new cook.

I’m sorry Donnie. I’m sorry that I kept asking you to make me all those cool toys and fix everything I broke. Your time is valuable and building stupid toys and rocket powered skateboards isn’t something you should spend your time on, and I’m sorry that I wasted it on things like that. I’m sorry I was so selfish in taking up so much of your time.

But, it won’t be a problem anymore. Your time won’t be wasted anymore by me whining for something “fun” or by me going into your lab and breaking stuff. You’ll finally be able to use your time for important and useful things to help everyone out.

By the way, the garbage truck really does look awesome, bro. I don’t see where you have touch ups to do in that thing, but that’s why your genius and I’m not, right? I’m not smart enough to see the things that need to be done and are incomplete. Stay awesome, Donnie.

I’m sorry Raphie. I’m sorry I’m not stronger. That I’m not bigger. That I’m not...that I’m not like you. I wish I was even just a tiny bit taller and bigger, maybe then you wouldn’t have to worry about me all the time and stand with me to keep me safe. All your time was wasted on keeping your runt of a baby brother from getting killed. There I am being selfish again; wasting my big brother’s time since he has to keep an eye on me to make sure that the little baby is protected because he’s so small.

Your time won’t be wasted anymore. You’ll be able to do what you want, when you want and however you want to do it because you won’t have the little runt around you that you have to keep an eye on and keep safe. You’ll also finally have your own room and more space for your stuff.

But, I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me. I know we fight sometimes and I get on your nerves a lot, but thank you for being there for me. You’ll always be my hero.

Leo….I’m just so sorry. For being useless. For being in the way and ruining your plans…

For being so brainless.

You were right about me. All heart and no brains. That’s exactly why, with me gone, you three can go on living like nothing’s changed. I never had a brain enough to be able to do anything useful for the family, all I could do was play games and crack lame jokes. You three did practically everything around the house, so it won’t even show that I’m not there. If anything, you’ll have less things to pick up and clean because I’m not there to make the mess.

I’m sorry I make you worry when I don’t listen. I’m sorry I can’t sit still and always have to move. I’m sorry that I make you think I don’t take things seriously.

I’m sorry that I disappoint you.

I wish I could have done something more around here to make you like me, but I have nothing. All I have is my heart and you hate it. Not that I blame you for hating it. It is pretty useless. You need people on your team that have strength and brains, not someone that jokes around all the time and destroys your plans.

You’ll finally have the perfect team, Leo, and your missions will finally be successful. That’s about the only useful thing I can do for you; give you a great team by not being in it. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you. I tried. You say sometimes I don’t try hard enough and this time, I really did try. I tried so hard. If that makes you like me even a little, then I’m ok with it.

Sensei…Master Splinter...papa. I think I probably disappointed you most of all. I’m sorry that your youngest child was such a failure. I wish I could have taken just a little bit of each of the guys for myself so it would have made me more needed here. But obviously, I can’t do that.

You can focus your lessons on your three sons that can put your training to good use. I couldn’t take training seriously enough to your liking sometimes. You didn’t have to say anything to me, I could see the disappointment on your face when I cracked a joke during training when you wanted it to be serious.

I’m sorry I disturbed your training sessions, Sensei. Everyone was always so stern and serious that I just wanted to lighten everyone’s mood and have them relax. I honestly apologize for my behavior.

I’m also sorry that I was a failure as a son, papa. Your other children all do things that are important to the family and to themselves, while your baby does nothing. Leo trains, Donnie builds and Raph lifts weights to be stronger. I play video games and fly on a skateboard.

You clearly got the crappy leftovers with me, and I’m sorry I can’t do more for you and for everyone.

All I can do is this. I guess the expression “thinning out the herd” might work here. The weak ones get picked off so that the strongest can keep going. I won’t be taking up space anymore or eating all the food or wasting everyone’s time, so I think that applies here the best.

Goodbye everyone. Please don’t think that I don’t love you by doing this. I just knew I had nothing to offer here anymore and didn’t want to take up anymore space and time then I already have. You guys are going to kick some ass now without me holding you back and I’ll be cheering you on from wherever I may end up after this.

I love you all,  
Mikey


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that reviewed and favorited! I was going to put this as a separate story, but it’s probably best if it’s all put here instead. I played around with a few different scenarios in my head for how I wanted to approach this, and I probably will still write those other ideas out too, but this one seemed to stick the most.
> 
> I do hope it’s as good as the original. It’s a little slow paced I suppose, but a few people wanted his bros to save him before he could even do anything. So here’s the beginning of that story and hopefully it turns out well. Please let me know if it’s too boring or I should continue it. : -) Thanks everyone!!

_This is it, this is the night that changes everything . I won’t be around to actually_ see _that change, but it will be for the best for my family._

_On one hand, I hope I made enough impact in their lives for them to miss me, at least a little. But on the other, I hope that they don’t. If they don’t have to take time to mourn, then they will be able to kick crime’s ass up on the streets that much sooner._

_That’s the main reason I’m doing this, right? For them to be a more successful team by eliminating the dead weight. I hope the notes I wrote for them explains that well enough._

“Hey Mikey!” Raphael called out to his youngest brother. “What’cha doin’ sitting on your bed? Didn’tcha wanna watch the movie Donnie downloaded earlier this afternoon?” Raph walked towards their shared bedroom to see what Mikey up to.

Mikey quickly closed his journal, and pressed it to his chest. “Yeah, sure bro, just give me a minute and I’ll be there.”

Surprised at the sudden action, Raph looked at him with a questioning gaze. “What’cha doing in that book anyway? Drawing something?”

“Something like that. I’ll be there in a few minutes, Raph, just let me finish this.” Raph was trying to reach for the book, but Mikey was holding firm. “Hands off Raph! I said I would be there in a minute; mind your own business!”

The red-clad turtle’s temper started to rise. “Fine kid, just get over to the couch, pronto. Donnie is putting it on the TV now and Leo is getting the snacks. Move it or you miss the movie.”

“Yeah, yeah, Raph.” Mikey rolled his eyes. “I’ll be there in a few.”

Raphael stared back at his brother for a few seconds, then turned his back in a huff and went back to the main room. He was questioning what exactly was going on with his little brother. _Something_ was off about him, and he was determined to find out what it was.

Michelangelo in the meantime, hid his journal from prying eyes. He slowly made his way into the living room, taking a moment to just watch his brothers getting ready to watch the movie, knowing in his heart and mind, that this would be the last time he would ever see them.

“Coming to sit, Mikey?” Mikey followed the voice to find his purple-banded brother smiling softly at him. “Leo got the Orange Crush, the popcorn and some chips for us to much on during the movie. It _was_ the new Star Wars movie that you asked to watch, right? I think that was what you asked me to get on our last movie night…”

Mikey gave his usual, happy grin to his immediate older brother. “Sure was bro!” He was going to turn away and sit on the couch, but he stopped to give a hug to his brother. Donatello wasn’t expecting it and looked down at his baby brother in surprise.

“Mikey, wha…”

“You’re awesome D. You know that?” Mikey hugged his brother tighter and leaned on his plastron.

“Thank you, little bro.” He wrapped his arms around Mikey’s shell hugging him back.

“Nah Donnie, thank _you_. For everything.” Mikey let his brother go and walked towards the living room, leaving a bewildered Donatello behind.

Michelangelo glanced at the coffee table and smiled. Drinks, popcorn, pretzels, a few different kinds of chips, Leo didn’t seem to forget anything that they may have wanted for movie night. He smiled to himself and went to sit at the end of the couch when he heard Leo tell him “Don’t sit there, Mikey!”

Confused, Mikey looked up at his oldest sibling. _Was he going to sit on the floor right here and I would have been too close to him and he didn’t want me to sit near him? Must be it…_ “Sit in the middle, bud. I put _your_ movie snack on the table in the middle.”

He looked and he couldn’t help but grin. “Twizzlers! Thanks Leo!” He opened the bag and took one out. Leonardo smiled and rubbed his baby brother’s head affectionately. “I know you really like them so I asked April to pick some up for you for tonight. Figured you’d want to use one as a straw or something for your orange crush.”

The blue-eyed turtle couldn’t help but laugh and smile at Leo. He quickly gave his brother a hug and pulled away before Leo could say anything. “Thanks Leo. You know, not just for this, but for everything.”

“Uhm, you’re welcome Mikey.” Leo wasn’t very good with displaying affection, but he tried his best for his brother’s sake. He knew how affectionate Mikey could be.

“Hey…”Mikey paused and looked around the open area, “where’s Raphie?”

"He went to get you your comforter.” Leo told him and was confused by the concerned look on Mikey’s face. “Something wrong with that, Mikey?”

“Ahh...nope! Not at all!” Mikey tried to hide his worry about being discovered. “But uhh...why is he getting my comforter??”

“Because you always complain about getting cold and I don’t want to hear you whine about it. You’ll just make us pause the movie while you get your comforter.” Raphael told him, throwing him the comforter. “Thought I’d get it now now so we don’t waste time during the movie.”

Mikey grabbed his comforter and draped it over his legs. “Ahhh, Raphie cares!” Mikey smiled at his brother who sat beside him so he could lightly punch him on the shoulder. Before Raph got up from the couch, Mikey took the opportunity to give his brother a hug, making Raphael jump. “Really though Raph, thank you. For everything.”

“Yeah, yeah, kid, you’re welcome.” Raph awkwardly patted his little brother’s head. “You ok though? You’re acting kinda weird, even for you.”

Mikey shook his head. “I’m good, bro. You know me and the hugs, right?” he grinned up at Raph and laughed as his brother smirked and rolled his eyes.

“Ok, everything is set! Let’s get this movie started!” Donatello enthusiastically shouted. He sat beside Mikey on the couch, while Leo sat on Mikey’s other side. Raph made himself comfortable on the floor closest to he and Mikey’s room.

“How long is the movie, Donnie?” Leo asked, as the purple-banded brother pressed play. “We might have to cut it short if it cuts too much into patrol time.”

“Speaking of patrol, I’m going to sit this one out tonight.” Three pairs of eyes darted to their youngest sibling. “Why, Mikey?” Raph demanded. “You’re usually the first one to jump up to leave for patrol so you can use your board and be above ground.”

“I know that Raph. I just have a pretty bad headache. I was going to watch the movie and then just sleep.”

At the mention of ‘bad headache’, Donnie sprung into action. “If you have a bad headache Michelangelo, perhaps it’s best if we just skip the movie and watch it another night. The movie will probably make your headache even worse.”

“Really, don’t make that big of a deal out of it, guys.” Mikey insisted. “Turn the movie on until you guys are ready to go on patrol.”

Raphael was getting more suspicious by the second and could tell his oldest brother was as well. Donatello was too busy thinking about why Mikey would have such a bad headache in the first place.

“You usually bask in the attention we give you when you don’t feel all that great and now you’re telling us to not make a big deal out of it?” Raph wasn’t hiding his confusion or his frustration at this point. He was determined to get to the bottom of the issue. “And you’re telling me that you’re _fine_? I don’t buy it, kid.”

“I just want to watch the movie, that’s all. Headache or not, I’ve waited for a while for this movie and I want to watch it.” Michelangelo hoped that his siblings would accept that response and get off his back for a bit.

Leo looked over his baby brother for a few moments before replying. “Alright. Let’s watch the first half hour or so of the movie and then pick up from that point tomorrow.” He lightly punched Mikey in the shoulder. “That way, you’ll get at least some of the movie that you wanted to watch and you’ll get some rest like we want you to do.”

Mikey nodded in agreement. “That’ll work. Thanks, Leo.”

The turtles sat in silence enjoying the film, with Mikey leaning on Donnie’s shoulder, until Donnie jumped up turned it off. “Whoops, sorry about that Mikey. But um, that was 45 minutes...sorry Leo, got so caught up in the movie that I forgot to turn it off.”

“It’s fine Donnie; I think we were all caught up in it.” Leo said as he started to clean off the coffee table. “Five minutes ninjas, then we’re heading out.” When the blue-eyed leader looked up, he saw his immediate younger sibling trying discreetly to get his attention. He went over to his brother to find out what was going on.

Raphael had a book in his hands, and a look on his face that his oldest brother rarely ever saw; among others emotions, he saw fear. “Raph? What’s wrong? Isn’t that Mikey’s journal?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“And, what are you doing with it?”

“I read a bit of it.”

“You don’t go through other people’s personal items like that. That’s disrespectful.”

Leo was waiting for his brother to yell at him about telling him what to do. Instead when he looked up, he saw a small tear in the corner of his brother’s eye, and at the same time, saw his brother shaking with emotion.

Clearly, something was wrong.

“Raph? Talk to me. You’re not acting like yourself. What’s going on?”

“We can all agree that Mikey’s been acting a bit strange lately, right?” Raph started, voice surprisingly low and gentle.

Leo paused and thought it over. “Well, I know he’s a touchy-feely kind of guy, but he hugged me a little earlier and thanked me for everything. _And_ he did the same with Donnie. He has been different the last few weeks too…” Leo paused, then nodded. “I guess I can agree with you in that Mikey isn’t acting very much like himself.”

“Well, to be fair, to _him_ he is being his normal seslf, to any of us we can definitely tell that there is something wrong.” Donatello chimed in as he made his way from the turtle’s garbage truck towards his older brothers. Neither said anything to him, but he had no problem sensing that something was wrong. “How’s Mikey anyway?”

“He’s still resting on the couch with his headache.” Leo told him.

"He doesn’t have a headache.” Raphael cut in. Donnie looked confused. “How do you know that?”

Raph looked down at the journal. “He had his journal in his hands when I went to get him for the movie. He was doing something in it and when I went to take it from him to get him to get up, he got mad at me when I reached out to get it.”

“He got mad?” Leo asked, amazed.

“Yeah, told me to mind my own business.”

“That’s strange of him to say. You like to bug him when it comes to his stuff. He knows that by now.” Donnie added.

His older brother nodded his head. “I know. I was just teasing him, like I always do. Anyway, when I went to get his comforter it fell out of his hiding spot and...”

“He looked pretty worried when I told him you were getting his comforter.” Leo interrupted. “Guess that’s why.”

“So you took it, and you read it?” Donnie asked, surprised. “Judging by your stance and your overall demeanour at the moment, I’m guessing that it doesn’t contain nice drawings or entries about him beating his high scores.”

Raph could only stare at the journal and shake his head. His two brothers waited for him to continue.

“I wanted him to say it himself, you know?” Raph began, shaking with anger and worry. “I tried to get him to say something. I just said little things all night that would let him know that I knew something was up. He doesn’t have a headache. He just wants us to leave.”

 _Now_ the other brothers were as worried as Raphael. “Why would he want us to leave??” Leo questioned. “He _hates_ being alone. He hates the idea of being anywhere by himself without one of us. That makes no sense, Raph.”

“He thinks he’s a burden…and not smart, and weak...and holding us back…”

“Raph, you’re rambling on and we….” Donnie was cut off by his red clad brother.

“How can he _think_ that!?” Raphael shouted to them, his anger finally winning out.  “How can he believe that _this_ was even right to think of, let alone _plan_!? WHY!?”

“We have no clue what you’re going on about.” Leo shouted back at him, getting as agitated as his brother. “ _What_ are you talking about!? What’s in that journal that has you acting like this?”

Raph shook his head and muttered an apology. He opened the book to the last entry and turned it over to his brothers. “I can’t read it again. Just give it back when you’re done.”

“Why?”

“So I can go see Mikey about it.” He looked up to see his baby brother sit up from the couch, looking to see where his older brothers were. He waved to Mikey like nothing was wrong, like this discussion was a normal pre-patrol talk, not one about what Raphael had discovered.

His two other brothers read it, their faces changing between looks of confusion, anger, grief and sorrow. Neither brother knew what to say, since neither brother ever _knew_ that was how Mikey interpreted what was going on around him. None of what Mikey wrote was true, at least to them, but somewhere obviously in their baby brother’s mind, _this_ was what he came to believe as truth.

That he bothered his family, annoyed them and held them back. That he was selfish just by asking anything of his big brothers. That he was a disappointment. That he was _useless_.

His brothers were beside themselves. Leo’s guilt at somehow making his brother believe that he didn’t even _like him_ brought tears to the eyes of the stoic leader. He shook his head and willed them away, trying to replace the great sadness he felt with anything else for the moment.

Donnie fumbled through the journal, trying to both distract himself from what was on that page and to figure out when this had all started. Never had he felt bothered by his baby brother when he asked him to repair something for him. The repairs were always easy for him to do, _and_ they felt more like a small break from the more complex things that he was trying to work on.

Raph still didn’t understand where Mikey would have got the idea that his time was wasted on him. Raphael did it by _choice_. He knew that Mikey was more than capable of taking care of himself, runt of the family or not. He was trying to remember a time when he ever told his brother, or even gave the impression, that protecting him was a waste of his time. Protecting his family came naturally to Raphael, and, regardless of the fact that Mikey was the smallest or not, he was the youngest, and that meant he would always be watched over more than the rest.

And their father...their _father_. Someone had to go and tell him what had been discovered. To tell him that the dinner he had with his baby a few hours ago, could have been the last one.

How does one tell that to their father? Donatello shook his head and looked to their father’s room. “How do we tell this to Sensei?” He said barely above a whisper. “How...how do you tell a parent that their youngest child wrote a suicide note and planned to die?”

Leo turned towards their father’s room. “I’ll tell him briefly what’s going on and…” he paused, then shrugged. “I suppose have him read it. Mikey did write a note to dad too, it’s only fair that hesees it. I just don’t know _how_ to break this to him.” Leo turned towards his baby brother, staring at him for a few moments before going into his father’s room. Going in, he still had no clue how he was going to tell their father what Mikey wanted to do.

“I’m going to go and get some disinfectant and stitches ready.” Donnie mumbled, heading towards his lab. Raphael looked at him confused, and still angry. “Why? What do those things have to do with all this!?”

“A few of the entries said he cut himself as punishment for screwing up and what not…” Donnie shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. “Can you believe that? Cut himself purposely, as punishment. I’ve heard of people that do that, I just never thought I would ever _know_ someone that would.” Donnie looked up at Raph, who now seemed paler than before at that news and sighed quietly, looking down at the floor away from his brother. “Anyway, I’ll be getting that stuff ready in case I need them.”

 “You think he’ll really let you see his cuts?” Raph asked him as Donnie turned away. “Not willingly, no. But at this point, he also has no reason to hide them. It’s there in black and white in his journal that he’s done harm to himself so...one way or another, I’m going to see his arms.”

 “Yeah...and if still refuses me or Leo will ‘help’ him show you them. Last thing I want is a chance of them getting infected or something.”

 Donnie nodded. “Exactly. I’m sure dad would tell him something like that too if he refused to show them at first too.” He looked up at his only younger sibling who was walking from the couch to his bed and smiled sadly. “Going to talk to him now? You know this is probably going to end with him yelling at you, you yelling at him, and then with everyone crying right?”

 Raphael shrugged. “Yeah, most likely that’s what’ll happen. But at least we’ll still have our baby brother right?” Donnie smiled and nodded. “Right.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had wanted to add little pieces in the story with each brother and the little things that they do for Mikey just because they love him, and how they show that to him in the things they do for him.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please let me know your thoughts about the chapter and if you would like it continued!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You guys are awesome! Thank you so much for all your positive reviews on my story! I hope I can continue to write a great story for you guys. 
> 
> This takes place during another story I wrote, Painful Victory. It takes place after Leo told Mikey to go see Donnie, and before Donnie told Mikey what injuries he received. All the stories really tie into each other, so it fits out perfectly. This chapter is Donnie having a flashback to that day.
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

Donnie went to his lab to get things that he believed he may need to take care of his little brother’s self-inflicted injuries. He went to his cabinet and took out the sutures, a needle, gauze and some antiseptic. He stared at everything he had taken out and couldn’t help but feel angered by the simple fact that he needed to take them out to begin with to potentially stitch up his little brother’s wrist, or both wrists. He didn’t even know how much damage Mikey had done to himself, and that might have been what angered him the most.

 _I’m supposed to keep an eye on my brothers and make sure they’re alright._ Donnie thought to himself. _I saw the wraps he put around his wrists and deep down I knew that he normally doesn’t do that. And I didn’t question it, I decided instead to just let it go and tell myself that he was doing it to not strain his wrists when fighting, not to hide_ cuts _._

He shook his head in disbelief, remembering what Mikey wrote in his journal. _Punishment..for punishment! I don’t even know what to think of that...when he dropped the pizza at the basketball game, when he made me jump and I dropped what I had in my hands and the beaker broke… Those aren’t excuses to hurt yourself! They were accidents! I saw it coming...I had the chance that night and I just let the chance go right by._

Sighing, he thought back to the night after they received their keys to the city and the conversation the two shared while Donnie examined him for injuries...

_Flashback_

“Alright Mikey, let’s have a look and see what’s wrong.” Donnie said as he lowered his goggles over his eyes. He didn't mention anything about the earlier events, trying to maintain a "doctor" atmosphere.

"Can you tell me where exactly you feel pain?”

By this time, Mikey had his arms crossed over his chest, subconsciously trying to protect what was injured.

“Mostly my side.” The blue eyed turtle replied looking towards his right side. “I don’t get why it hurts so much now though. I mean, I felt nothing after he hugged me, and then it just started hurting like shell when you hit those bumps.”

Donnie smiled softly at his only little brother, lifting his goggles off his eyes. “The adrenaline wore off by that point, which is why you are feeling it so much now.” Mikey only sighed softly and nodded.

“I’m sorry about that last bump Mikey, but we wanted to know that was wrong. Don’t try to hide an injury from us again alright? We just want you ok and these kind of injuries can end up being pretty bad if you don't care for them properly.”

Mikey nodded silently, apparently lost in his thoughts. Donnie kept examining Mikey, and he was expecting his baby brother to at least squirm a little, like he always does. When Mikey barely moved a muscle, it made Donnie a little concerned.

“Mikey? Everything ok, bud?”

Silence and a slight nod were his only replies.

“Is it the pain? Are you having trouble breathing? Maybe you hit your head too and that’s giving you problems.” Donnie pulled his goggles over his eyes and started giving Mikey a more thorough inspection for other injuries.

“I didn't hit my head D. At least I don't think I did. It’s just my side.”

Donatello didn’t look convinced. Mikey did the best thousand watt smile he could muster to his immediate older brother and tried to convince him everything was fine.

“It’s all good D, just my side, honest.”

Donnie stared at his brother and smiled sadly. He put a hand on Mikey's shoulder and leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on his little brother's. Mikey looked up and was staring into his big brother's gentle and calming eyes. Anyone that knew Mikey well enough, like Donnie, would easily be able to tell that his smile was forced.

“You also know that you can tell us anything, right little brother? Something other than your side is hurting you, I can tell. Don’t try to hide what hurts you behind a smile. You know we’ll help you however we can.”

Mikey looked at his brother for a moment and shook his head trying to will the tears away but was losing the battle. His older brother stood by patiently hoping Mikey would open up to him. He knew Mikey couldn't always be happy no matter how hard he tried. Everyone gets sad sometimes, even Mikey.

“Is...is it because of what that Cop called us?”

A head shake.

"Then, what is it?”

Mikey remained quiet for a few moments debating opening up to his brother. Donnie stood in front of him quietly, not wanting to rush the blue eyed turtle out of fear of making Mikey clam up and close himself up.

“He really meant it didn't he?” Mikey said, the sadness now evident in his voice.

“Who meant what, Mikey?”

Mikey looked up at his older brother who was surprised by the tears in those baby blue eyes

“Leo. He really meant it.” Donnie knew now exactly what Mikey was talking about.

He sighed sadly, gave Mikey the most comforting smile he could and gently started to rub his baby brother’s shoulder. “I doubt it Mikey you know how Leo is…”

“Exactly! I know how he is, and you know how he is too! You know he always says what he means. He thinks I’m stupid. He didn't even hesitate! He just said straight out that I have no brain. Having a heart is pointless. I know that I’m just the idiot that’s only good for a laugh, I get that but…”

Mikey stopped himself before he divulged more than what he was willing to share, He looked up at his purple clad brother who was staring back at him with a mixture of shock and sadness.

Donnie was not very good with feelings and truth be told, having to comfort someone was not something he was good at. He also that right now, he had to try. If Mikey was actually looking and sounding this sad, it means that it had to be _bad_ and that Mikey was hiding a lot more than what he was sharing with him now.

“Mike…” he couldn’t hide the worry, “where are you going with this?”

His baby brother simply shook his head and shrugged. “Nowhere bro, it's the pain talking. Can you just patch me up so we can all get some sleep?”

“I can't just let that go, Mikey.” The genius pushed on, wanting to get to the bottom of this. “You know that’s not true right?”

Mikey simply shrugged. "It's all good bro, don’t worry about it, You know me, I just ramble on about stuff that doesn't make sense. It's fine Donnie, please just let this go. I’ll be fine by morning.” The orange clad turtle stared into his brother's eyes, trying his best to keep the emotional hurt from showing.

Donnie simply shook his head, worry and concern evident in his eyes. “I wouldn't be a very good big brother if I did that. You have to know you're more than that to us.”

“More than what?” Mikey asked incredulously. “More than the joker and the prankster? More than the clueless little brother who doesn't know how to do much for himself without his big brothers here to help him with everything because he's too childish and dumb to do it by himself?”

“Of course you are more than that!” Donnie shouted, shocked at what he was hearing. “Yes, you are a joker and a prankster, bud, that's you. That is who you are. There is no shame in that. I know you can do things on your own, we all do. It’s just we also know how hard it is for you to focus and how much you don't like having deal with bad situations so we handle them instead. If you want to look at it from a psychological perspective, it could be viewed as an overprotective big brother issue whereby the older siblings take care of issues for their youngest….”

Mikey sighed and rolled his eyes. “…aaand you lost me. Seriously dude,where did that come from?”

“Sorry,” Donnie sighed, “got sidetracked. The point is that we _don’t_ look at you as clueless or just a joke. You’re our baby brother and that will never change.”

His baby brother shook his head. “That still doesn't change what Leo said. I know he thinks I'm stupid and I know my opinion means nothing to him. THAT has nothing to do with me being the baby of the family and everything to do with him thinking I’m too dumb to know anything.”

“Please stop talking about yourself like that, Michelangelo.” Donnie admonished, then added gently. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

“A while, I guess.” Mikey sighed and looked away from his brother, shrugging. “Look, this doesn't matter. Let’s just forget about this conversation alright?”

“No Mikey. You can't keep thinking that we think badly of you. You have no idea how much you mean to us. Remember what we said to Krang? _Nobody_ messes with you. We wouldn't be like that if we thought badly of you. What exactly DO you think we think of you? Please Mikey just tell me. You’ll feel better if we settled all this before it’s worse for you.”

The blue eyed turtle shook his head. “I don't want to bother anyone with my problems, Donnie. All of you have enough to worry about already. You guys don't need your baby brother’s lame feelings bogging you down even more. All of you already worry about me when we're fighting, or when I go boarding on my own, or pretty much do anything on my own. Really D, I’m good.”

Donnie sighed and put his hands on Mikey's shoulders smiling sadly. “We really should talk about this all together, kiddo. I _can’t_ just let this go.”

“Donnie, stop looking at me that way. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m ok with everything, I'm used to it. I guess just hearing Leo confirm what he really thought about me brought everything out again. I always thought that _maybe_ he thought that way about me, but now at least I know where I fit in the family.”

“Don’t take what Leo said as to mean that’s all he thinks of you. Or that it represents what we all think of you.” Donnie reached out and hugged his brother as gently as he could. “He was stressed and mad. Sometimes when you’re mad, you say things you don’t mean, because you know that the words will hurt and you just want to lash out at the First person you can. He loves you Mikey. Don’t think that he doesn’t, ok?”

Mikey leaned into his brother’s hold and cuddled into Donnie’s plastron as much as he could. He didn’t really believe Donnie, but he just wanted to lay this to rest for now. “Alright Donnie, if you say so.” He released the hug and looked up at his big brother, giving him the biggest smile he could despite the pain. “ _Now_ could you finish looking me over? My side really does hurt a lot more than before.”

The purple clad turtle looked into his brother’s eyes and smiled. “You got it, Mikey. I’ll have you patched up in no time.”

_End flashback_

Thinking back on that day makes Donnie want to beat himself up with his own staff. _Why didn’t I keep pressing him for more?? Why didn’t I have us all sit and talk about it like I told him we should? If I would have done that, it would never had come to this!_

He went through his various medical items, while continuing to mentally berate himself. _He was depressed then, and you knew it, Donnie. You’re his big brother..._ you _were supposed to actually act like the bigger one and get him some help. You didn’t, and because you didn’t he nearly...he nearly…_

Donnie couldn’t finish his thought. He dropped what he was holding in his hands, slamming his hands on his table, trying with all his might to hold in his tears. But he couldn’t. They started to fall and he didn’t bother anymore to make an effort to stop them from falling.

The thought of what might have been, had things just gone a little differently tonight, was too much for the genius turtle to handle. He dropped himself into his chair, shoulders shaking from emotion. He gave himself a few minutes to deal with his feelings before he stood up and went back to work.

_We’ll make this right Mikey. Whatever started all this, whatever we did, we’ll make it right, kiddo._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: I have another version, a little different I admit, where Donnie talks to one of his brothers about what Mikey told him. That one needs polishing, but I could always post that one up at some point as well.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed and please leave a review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A big thank you to all of you that took a few minutes of your time to review. It means a lot that you guys are really liking this story. Thank you.
> 
> This takes place after chapter 2, at the same time as chapter 3. Donnie is thinking things over in his lab, and Raph is thinking out in the common room, where we last left him. I’m not super happy with this chapter, but I do hope you guys still like it. I don’t know how many versions of this I did until I settled for this one, but there’s enough of them.

Raphael watched his genius brother practically drag himself back to his lab to get what he needed to tend to Mikey’s wounds while he mentally prepared himself to face his baby brother.

_C’mon Raph, this is Mikey you’re going to talk to here. What’s there to be so worried about? I mean, aside from the fact that you took his journal, read his personal thoughts and now have to tell him that you know what he planned on doing while we were all out on patrol._

The red-clad turtle shook his head, in disbelief at what was happening. _How did it even_ come _to this? Mikey’s always so happy, so positive, just brushes everything bad aside like it’s nothing. He just...keeps smiling. So, what went wrong? What did we miss?_

_Flashback_

Raph was watching his little brother staring at himself in the mirror, lost in thought. He knew that Mikey was looking over every inch of himself, at every part that was different from those that lived above them. The more Mikey looked at himself, the more Raph could see sadness taking him over.

_This shouldn’t be happening. We saved the city. We won. So why is Mikey looking at himself like he’s the worst thing on the planet? We won as a team. We were given keys to the city. Mikey should be talking a thousand miles a minute about how great it was to have a whole ceremony dedicated to us. Not be like this._

The complete silence from the usual self-proclaimed “loudest turtle in the universe”, was putting Raphael on edge. He was the first to complain about Michelangelo being loud and how he would love for Mikey to be quiet. But now, all he wanted was to see hear his youngest sibling’s voice. The fact that it looked like Mikey was trying to keep himself from breaking down into tears didn’t help with Raph’s already strong protective streak.

When he saw Mikey shaking his head and pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes to stop tears from falling, Raph stepped in. He went up to his baby brother, coughing to get his attention, and waited for Mikey to notice he was there.

He got no response.

_Wow, he really is out of it. Didn’t even hear me walk up to him, didn’t even respond to the cough practically in his ear. Huh, that’s fine. I have more things up my sleeve._

He coughed a little louder this time, again with the same result. Frustrated, he opted to do what he did best; yelling.

“Is ignoring me your way of telling me to screw off!? Because it ain’t gonna work!”

He didn’t think Mikey was able to jump that high. In any other circumstance he would have laughed, but given the look on his brother’s face, he figured now was not the right time.

He could see the surprise written clearly on Mikey’s face and from the looks of it was thinking of something to say to cover-up whatever it was he was feeling. “What’s up Raphie-boy!? Where did you come from!”  Mikey grinned up at his older brother in the mirror, but Raphael could tell it was a forced smile. “You don’t just sneak up on someone like that!”

“I didn’t just sneak up on you, numbnuts.” Raph sighed and rolled his eyes. “I’ve been back here staring back at you in that mirror for the last two minutes trying to get your attention. And failing.”

“Oh. My bad.”

“You’re bad!? _That’s_ the best you got? What the hell’s up your shell anyway? Aside from you getting hurt, everything turned out pretty damn good if I do say so myself.”

He’ll swear to the moon and back that his little brother shut off every emotion he had after that. He would have taken the sad Mikey eyes instead of the now empty looking Mikey eyes any day.

“You’re right, Raph.” His youngest brother shrugged before continuing on, his tone getting more sarcastic and condescending with each word. “Everything is great. We saved the world and we risked our necks doing it. But hey, who cares about that. We got the key to the city to make up for everything, right?  It’s all good, bro.” Raph had _no_ idea what to do. A sarcastic, condescending Mikey wasn’t something he was used to dealing with. If anything, Mikey was starting to sound like him and that was worrying him.

"Since when do _you_ talk like that? We did what we had to do, and we did it well. We saved New York.”

“Yeah, we saved New York. “Mikey nodded. “We saved the people that don’t know we exist and now we just go back to our version of a normal life. We get to stay down here and rot until we go up to save them all over again. We’ll get to go save the people that would probably sooner kill us if they saw us instead of bothering to get to know who we are because all they care about is how freaky we look and how we just _have_ to be monsters.”

 _Since when does_ Mikey _talk like this? He’s the first to say how great humans are. Hell with that; since when does he even get mad? This all started because of that stupid cop, I hate that guy. If I could punch his face, just once, I’d be happy._

“Since when do you think this kind of stuff? It’s because of that cop isn’t it. He get you thinking like this? You always want to be with humans and now you’re spewing all this crap out? What are you...”

“We could have been like them.” Mikey cut him off. He paused for a moment, looking away from his brother, shaking his head. He looked back up at a surprised Raphael. “Nevermind. It’s nothing. I’m going to go make lunch.”

Mikey went to pass his big brother, but the other grabbed his arm and easily stopped him dead in his tracks. “You know I’m not buying that. Spit it out.”

“I said that it’s nothing. I have to go and make lunch. I’m sure everyone is getting hungry.” Mikey tried to get away, but his brother had his arm firmly in his grip.

"It’s not _nothing_.” Raph growled. “Why were you just staring in the mirror when I found you?”

Having someone notice that he was less than happy was something that Mikey didn’t ever want to happen. He wanted to be happy for his older brothers and keep them from worrying. _Apparently I failed at that_. Mikey sighed. _Because Raph is right in front of me and looks pretty damn worried._

Doing his best to be his goofy self, Mikey looked up at him, a giant grin on his face. “Just looking to see if Krang did any damage to my perfect face.”

“Bull. Stop delaying this Mikey, I don’t have much patience left.” Raphael’s anger was rising the more his brother refused to answer him.

"C’mon Raph, it was nothing. I was just thinking. As hard as that is to believe.” Mikey kept trying to get out of his brother’s grip, even if he knew that he wouldn’t be able to escape it.

“Spit. It. Out.” Raph dragged his brother by the arm until they were snout to snout with each other. “ _NOW_!”

"You tossed it away like it was nothing!” Mikey finally shouted back at him, equally frustrated. “It was the only chance I had to fit in somewhere! To be needed somewhere and you took it from me!” _Shut up Mikey! What are you doing!?_ Mikey shouted to himself. _Fix this...keep him from worrying about you. Play it down, say something, anything, just get that worry off his face._

 _He’s mad at me?_ Raph blinked, shocked. _Because he wanted to fit in somewhere? Wait...what?_ Raph’s face went from anger at being blamed, to surprise over his little brother’s words. His blue-eyed brother seemed to catch on to what he said and looked up at him wide-eyed and shaking his head.

“Damnit Raph, let me go. I’m sorry I blamed you, really. I understand why you did it. We’re turtles and we should stay turtles. Forget what I said, ok?” He looked at his brother and noted the worry was still there. He sighed again and didn’t even try to fight off his big brother anymore. He knew he wasn’t going anywhere for a while.

“To fit in somewhere?” Raph repeated, not hiding any surprise or concern that was sneaking its way out. “And be needed?”

“Forget it, Raph. Let’s go have lunch, k?” Mikey felt his brother’s grip loosen a little as he thought about what Mikey revealed and figured maybe this time he could break free, but he was wrong again. The grip on his arm tightened as soon ashe tried to break free. Mikey let out a sigh and turned his head to look at anything other than his big brother’s eyes that were looking at him so full of surprise and worry. It made him a little uncomfortable.

“Why would you say that?”

“Say ‘Let’s go have lunch?’ Well, it’s past noon, I haven’t eaten since before practice this morning and I’m pretty sure no one else has and…”

“Not that numbnuts!” Raph shouted, anger back in place. “That other stuff. To fit in and be needed. Why would you say that?”

“I just said it out of frustration, no biggie bro.” Mikey shrugged. “Seriously, I just blurted it out. Didn’t even think before I said it.”

Raph stared at his brother, looking for any sign that the blue-eyed turtle was hiding something from him. Mikey put on his usual “everything is great” smile, but he could tell that it didn’t reach his eyes. He could feel the nervousness coming from his baby brother, and that’s usually never there.

_Ok, getting mad didn’t work. Try the nicer approach. You got this, Raph._

The older turtle shook his head, took a deep breath to quell whatever anger he had left and looked his baby brother in the eye. “You know you don’t need ooze for that, Mikey. You already have both of those things here.”

“Yeah,” Mikey agreed. “Sure do! You’re right. Now let’s go eat!”

Raph sighed, not buying a thing his brother was telling him and becoming very frustrated at getting nowhere. _Time to play hardball, squirt._ “Fine. I’ll get straight to the point and don’t avoid the damn question. It’s a big lair and there are tons of spots to hide your skateboard...or just break it. I’ll leave it alone if you tell me why you think you’re not needed or don’t fit in.”

“C’mon Raph, please. I don’t want to talk about it.” Mikey sighed, getting too tired to argue and by now, was actually hungry.

“There’s always your games. I think Donnie downloaded you a new one too.”

“Leave my games out of this, Raphie!” Raph smirked, his plan seemed to be working.

“Oh! Your drums.” Raph smirked. “Y’know, I’ve been thinking. Our room is too small for those things. So as big brother, I am taking responsibility for redecorating and that drum set just…”

“I just don’t fit in here at all alright!?” Mikey finally shouted. “I’m so completely different from you three that I just don’t fit in. All of you do things that benefit everyone else, things that are _useful_ , and all I do is play around like a kid.”

“But,” Raph interrupted, “you _are_ a kid, Mikey.”

“That doesn’t matter, Raph. I still don’t fit in. You guys all have jobs in the group. You all _fit_. Leo’s the leader, Donnie’s the brains, you’re the muscle, and I’m...well, I’m just the little runt that’s there tagging along with his big brothers, hoping that he can hold his own and that you won’t have to bail me out of a mess.” Mikey looked downcast and shrugged. “I don’t fit anywhere.”

“Ah, Mikey.” Raphael sighed, looking down at his now dejected looking baby brother. “Of course you fit in, and of course you’re needed. You think we’d go to all trouble of getting shit for you, or doing whatever for you, if you didn’t?”

Mikey just shrugged.

“Kiddo,” Raph let go of Mikey’s arm and rested his hands on his shoulders, turning Mikey’s head back towards him and looking in his eyes. “it’s because you do fit and you are needed. No way we’d do those things if what you’re thinking was even a little true.” Raph gave Mikey a genuine smile; one he reserved only for his baby brother, and even then, one that he rarely used. “Got it, bud?”

Mikey looked at his brother and smiled in return. He wanted to believe his brother, but he was still doubtful. He just wanted this conversation over with and hopefully get his big brother to stop worrying about him.“Yeah Raph, I got it. Thanks.”

The red-clad turtle smiled again and gave his baby brother a noogie. “Hey! Raaaaph!” Raphael let him go with a chuckle. “So Mikey, how about you making lunch like you’ve been mentioning for the last 20 minutes.”

“Sure Raphie. Guess I’m useful for that right?” Mikey turned away only to feel a hand connect hard with the back of his head and then an arm around his shoulder.

“Crazy little brother. You’re useful for more than just food.” He was silent for a moment and added with fondness. “But, you are the best chef in the sewers. No doubt about that.”

“Thanks, big bro.”

“You got it, Mikey. Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

_End flashback_

Raphael looked up at his baby brother, guilt washing over him.

“I leave and all you have to do is find a new cook.” He remembered that line from Mikey’s letter and mentally slapped himself. _He told you straight out he felt useless and then you throw out a stupid comment about being the best chef in the sewers. Why didn’t you tell him other reasons why he was useful!? WHY mention only one damn thing? He said that to you because he wanted his big brother to tell him other reasons why he was useful and needed and you just dropped it like a hot potato. You could have stopped this from happening but yet here you are, staring at your baby brother trying to figure out how to piece back together something that broke at some point, without any of you even seeing it! What kind of big brothers are we!?_

Blinking away the tears in his eyes, he sighed and looked down at the journal in his hands. He then looked up, a mix of determination, and of uncertainty.

_How am I supposed to talk to him about this without making things worse?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: Yes, I put that Raph said that Mikey is still a kid. I have my own headcanon about their ages, but let’s not get into that now. I also know that Raph isn’t usually the “mushy” kind of guy, but, he has a soft side for Mikey and I wanted to get that through somehow. So having Raph be less of an ass was how I tried to do that.  
> Thanks for reading and please review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Once again, thank you for the reviews and the favorites! I’m glad that you guys liked the last chapter and I do hope this one is liked too. I’m really happy that you guys are enjoying this whole story!
> 
> This one takes place at the same time as chapters 3 and 4, this time from Leo’s pov. I have to admit writing for Leo was hard, but yet, somehow, this one ended up being the longest chapter yet. I’m probably my own worst critic, but I don’t know if I like this chapter either. I scrapped a couple of mostly completed chapters because I just couldn’t get them the way I wanted. Hopefully this one is one all of you will like.
> 
> To avoid confusion, the events that he mentions very briefly during his talk with Donnie are when he and Mikey were talking in another story I wrote called Painful Victory.

Leo found himself at the door of his father’s room, lost as to how he would tell him what they had discovered. A little over two hours ago, they were enjoying dinner together, exchanging their usual brotherly banter while their father sat in silence, eyes shining bright in amusement at his children’s antics. Mikey even came out with a one liner that actually made the old rat break out in laughter, even though he tried very hard to remain quiet and stoic. The memory made the young leader laugh despite the situation.

 _What a difference two hours makes._ Leo thought to himself, shaking his head. _We went from laughing at dinner and enjoying a movie together, to finding out that our baby brother was planning on….well,_ that _, and that we would never had heard him laugh or joke again. I thought we were ok. I thought I made up with him. Am I really that much of an ass that he thought all I had said to him after I followed him was just said because I thought I had to, and not because I meant it?_

_How did I let it get this far out of hand?_

_Flashback_

“I’m going to go out boarding in the sewers guys. I’ll be back in a while.”

“Would you like some company, Mikey?”

“What? Oh...no Leo, it’s all good. I just want to practice some moves I saw an awesome guy on YouTube do and I have to try them out. I’m good.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t mind watching you practice for a bit.”

“Really Leo, it’s fine. I’m sure you’ll have more fun practicing katas or meditating. I’ll be back before dinner. Later guys!”

Michelangelo turned and exited the lair before his oldest brother could say another word to him. Leo, on the other hand, watched his youngest brother leave, and was trying to hiding his surprise at being turned down.

“What? Don’t tell me that you’re actually pissed and hurt that he didn’t want you to go with him. You’d just tell him he’s doing it wrong even you don’t know what the hell he’s doing.”

Leo smirked and shook his head. “Really Raph, _that’s_ what you’re going with? Honestly though, I _am_ surprised that Mikey didn’t want me to go with him. He loves showing off for people on his board.”

Raphael thought about it and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. Must be a tough trick or something and he doesn’t want anyone to watch him fall flat on his face.”

“No, that’s never bothered him before. He’s just avoiding me.”

Raph looked up at his only older sibling with a questioning look. “Why do you think that?”  
  
"Every time I’m in the same room as him, he leaves almost right away. He doesn’t joke like he used to, bounce around me like he used to. He just sees me and tries to go the other way.”

“Eh, never noticed. Maybe you’re just pulling that out of your ass and are making too much out of nothing.”

Leo shook his head. “No Raph, I know I’m right. You guys will see what I mean when he comes back. He’ll try to avoid me as much as possible.”

Mikey returned to the lair about 4 hours later, sporting a few new scrapes and bruises to show for his skateboarding practice. His genius brother took one look at the orange clad turtle and gave him a soft smile and chuckled.

"One day you’ll come back and greet me normally instead of me having to patch you up.”

Mikey laughed and bounced up onto the table in Donnie’s lab. “Ah c’mon D! _This_ is normal now! If I didn’t come home with bruises, you wouldn’t believe that I was skateboarding!!”

“Mikey? What happened here?” Donnie and Mikey looked up and saw their blue banded brother staring them both down, waiting for an explanation.

“It’s nothing Leo.” Mikey assured him. “Just the usual bumps and bruises that come with me practicing!” While Mikey was talking, Donnie finished up cleaning the last of the cuts. Mikey nodded his thanks to his brother and gave him a quick hug.

“Nothing’s broken though right? Just some cuts and bruises? Are any bad enough to get infected?” Leo’s big brother instincts were in full swing at the sight of his youngest brother injured.

Michelangelo jumped off the table and made his way to the lab door. “Really, I’m good Leo. I’ll be fine by morning.”

The young leader stopped his brother as he was about to leave the lab. “Are you _sure_ that everything is alright?”

Mikey squirmed a little under his oldest brother’s stare but stood his ground. “Everything is fine, bro. Really. Everything's great.” Mikey said managing to get out of Leo’s hold. “I’m going to make dinner now. I’ll let you all know when it’s ready.”

Leo watched Mikey walk towards the kitchen, then turned back to his purple banded brother. “So he _is_ fine? His Krang injuries didn’t flare up or anything?”

Donnie nodded his head. “Yes, Leo. He’s perfectly fine.”

Donatello watched his oldest sibling, who was staring intently at a mark on the floor, obviously lost in thought.

“Uh, Leo? Everything ok?”

Then, why won’t he talk to me?”

“What are you talking about?” Donnie questioned. “He was just talking to you.”

“That was him quickly answering questions then running to find something else to do as fast as he could.” Leo shrugged. “I would hardly call that a conversation.”

“Maybe he’s still a little hurt by what you said to him?” Donnie suggested as he started to clean up his work space.

“I apologized to him about that. I told him I was proud of him. He was happy after that. He accepted my apology and he’s not one to hold a grudge.” Leo shook his head. “None of this makes sense.”

“Maybe it’s other things you’ve done to him?” Donnie innocently threw in. He expected his oldest brother to question him as to what he meant but he heard nothing but heavy breathing. He looked up and nearly jumped out of his shell at seeing Leo right in front of him. “Ummm...something wrong?”  
  
“Other things I’ve done to him?” Leo questioned, staring his passive brother down. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“That means...well you see, it could mean a variety of things” Donnie nervously stuttered. When Leo continued to stare him down, he quickly started to ramble, not even really sure if he was making sense. “You see, older siblings have a tendency sometimes to say things that they believe are well intended to protect, or to help out their younger siblings, but to the younger sibling, it’s interpreted differently…”

“What _other things_ have I done to him? Has he told you anything?”

“No Leo, he hasn’t, and it hasn’t been for lack of trying.” Donnie sighed. “I know he’s avoiding you, it’s _obvious_ at this point. But no, I really have no clue as to _why_ he’s avoiding you.” Donnie could tell his oldest sibling believed him and that Leo was still trying to figure out what he’d done to make Mikey avoid him like the plague. “Maybe try to talk to him? Corner him maybe? I don’t know, Leo, but just looking at him when he passes you by and not asking him straight out is really getting you nowhere.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Leo admitted. “I don’t know what I did, but I guess I’ll find out.”

Later that evening, the family gathered for dinner, and helped clear the table. Mikey grabbed for his skateboard again, and told his family that he would be back before patrol later that night. Leo watched him leave, shoulders slumping.

“Perhaps it would be beneficial if you accompanied your youngest brother, Leonardo.”

“Dad?”

“Staring at his head as he is leaving the lair is not going to resolve whatever issue is drawing you two apart, my son.” Splinter said, smiling knowingly at his oldest child.

“Do you know why he is avoiding me, dad?” Leo figured he’d get straight to the point.

“Yes…”

“Then what did I…”

“...and no.”

Leo blinked, confused. “What?”  
  
"I have observed your interactions with your youngest sibling for a some time and I believe that I understand where Michelangelo is coming from. However, I cannot speak for the boy and tell you what I believe is causing the rift between the two of you.” Splinter walked towards Leo who knelt in front of his master. His father gently rested a paw on his son’s shoulder. “You and your brother are two very different individuals. You both look at the same scenario in a completely different way. What you have yet to understand is that there is more than one way to look at something. Even if the other way is different from yours, it does not make it wrong.”

Leo shook his head. “I know that. But it doesn’t make it right either.”

“It also does not give you the right to ignore it completely, as though it was never stated.” Splinter removed his paw. “He looks up to you. To all of you. You may not agree with your brother’s choices in life, or agree with his perspective on many things, but your words and your _actions_ weigh heavy on him. Think about all the times you’ve interacted with him, and think about what I have told you. I believe you will then understand what I mean.”

Splinter started to walk away and Leo stayed rooted to the same spot. He had to admit to himself that his father had left him absolutely confused. He really didn’t know what his father’s riddle was supposed to teach him. _I don’t ignore what Mikey has to say, do I? Think of when I’ve interacted with him? I always help him and show him the right way to do things. How is that wrong?_  He scratched the back of his head in thought and nearly jumped out of his shell for the second time that night.

At this rate, Splinter will have him do extra training every day for a month.

“He is most likely headed to the side-tunnels on the south side.”

“How do you know that for sure, Sensei? Father senses kicking in?”

“Not at all.” Splinter laughed. “The trackers that Donatello put in your phones are very useful when it comes to keeping tabs on my children. Especially the ones that like to wander.”

Leo couldn’t help but laugh along with Splinter. “Thanks, dad. Be back as soon as I can!”

Splinter smiled and walked towards his room. _I know you do not realize what you have done, my son. I can only hope that you are not too late to repair your relationship with your brother. He needs the three of you as much as you all need him._

Leo made his way to the location Splinter had mentioned. It wasn’t very far, about a 10 minute run from their lair, and he was easily able to find his little brother practicing a rather complicated looking jump. He quietly observed from the sidelines as Michelangelo tried the trick again and missed.

He stayed in the shadows, watching Mikey for a bit. Mikey hadn’t moved from the spot where he fell for a few minutes, eyes glued to his skateboard. Leo could see he was thinking hard about something, and could feel the aura around his little brother turning sad and cold. _That’s not Mikey. Challenges never get him down. So what’s different this time? Maybe I can help him with something…_

“Everything ok, little one?” Leo smiled, then quickly apologized when he saw Mike jump in surprise at his voice.

“Leo?” Mikey asked, not hiding his surprise. “What are you doing here? I said I’d be home before patrol. Everything ok at home?”

The blue banded turtle nodded and extended his hand to help Mikey up. “Everything’s fine. I just wanted to come check on you.”

“Oh.” Mikey shrugged. “Well, I’m good. I’m working on a trick but not having much luck.” He bent over and picked up the skateboard. Leo eyed him suspiciously. _He’s going to go back home. I came to see him and he’s running away from me._  “I’ll just try again tomorrow. There’s no point using all my energy now before patrol right?” Mikey added with the biggest grin he could give his oldest brother.

 _Nice try Mikey. You’re more uncomfortable than happy, if that’s what you were even going for with that fake smile._ “I just got here. You sure you don’t want to try it again? I was watching you and you were leaning a lot to the right, which is probably why you keep falling.”

Leo took his brother’s skateboard and placed it on the ground, putting a foot on it. “You have your foot far back too, which is probably not helping things. I don’t get why you are doing it, though. I mean, skateboarding is your thing so you shouldn’t be making these little mistakes, but they’re most likely why you’re falling down all the time when you should be getting it by now.”

Mikey was watching his brother with his skateboard and listening to him, shoulders slumping down the more his oldest brother spoke. Leo was too busy giving him a lesson in skateboarding while mentally patting himself on the back for, what he figured, was a job well done by “helping” Mikey out.

When he finally did look at his little brother, the expected look of appreciation for the tips was not what he saw. _Why does he look so down? I helped him out. Gave him pointers on what to improve. So how come he doesn’t look thankful for what I did?_

Leo handed him his skateboard. “Go on, try it again. But this time, do it like I explained to you and you’ll get it right.”

His youngest sibling wanted to say no and just go home, but he wanted to try it to please his oldest brother. With a sigh he took the skateboard and shrugged. “That’s not how the guy on the video did it, Leo. He did it differently and he was able to do…”

“Nevermind what that guy did and try it like I showed you. Lean less to the right and position your feet the way I told you and you’ll get it.”

Mikey reluctantly took his skateboard back to the starting point. He looked up at his brother, who was standing on the sidelines. Leo looked more like a teacher ready to reprimand a student than he was his brother trying to encourage him.

He ran through the trick in his mind one last time and pushed off with his board. When he got to the part that has been giving him trouble, he tried to do it the way the person in the video did it. At the last moment, he remembered his brother’s steps and then tried to do them instead, but it was too late. He fell again, hard onto the concrete. He sat up and punched the ground, frustrated that for once, he couldn’t get a skateboard trick right after a few hours.

Mikey heard Leo’s disappointed sigh behind him and wanted to do nothing more than be swallowed up whole. _Great, I’m supposed to be good at this and here I am showing Leo that I can’t even do the things I’m supposed to be good at right. Just go home Mikey. Go for patrol and forget this night ever happened._

The youngest turtle reached for his skateboard and stood up, brushing off the dirt on his shorts from the fall. “I’m done for the night Leo.” _Smile Mikey, maybe he’ll leave you alone._ “I’m going to get ready for patrol.” Mikey smiled as much as he could at his brother and turned towards home.

“But, you have to try it again, Mikey.” Leo insisted. “ _That_ wasn’t what I showed you.”

“It’s all good, Leo.” Mikey insisted, just wanting to go home and getting frustrated at his brother’s tone and what he was saying to him. “I’ll practice tomorrow.”

Leo sighed again. “So you’re just quitting, just like that? No wonder you’re not getting it. You won’t get it if you just quit when you mess it up.”

“Look, I’m sorry that I screwed this up, just like I do everything else, alright Leo?” Mikey snapped at his oldest sibling. He took a deep breath to calm himself and let out a sigh. “Just nevermind bro, I’m going home.”

_This went bad really fast. What did I do? I tried to help him and he’s mad at me for that?_

“Hey, why are you mad at me? I’m trying to help you!”

“I didn’t ask for your help!” Mikey finally shouted back. “All you ever do is ‘help’ me when I don’t ask for it and apparently, I’m supposed to be overjoyed that you’re telling me how horrible I am at everything!”

Leo looked back at his baby brother in shock. “I...I don’t do that.” _Do I? Is this what dad was talking about?_

“It doesn’t matter. Forget about it.” Mikey went to put a foot on his skateboard to head home when a hand grabbed his arm and didn’t let go.

“Of course it matters. I was just trying to help you. I don’t think you’re horrible at everything or screw everything up. Where would you even get that idea from? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Because you think that I think you screw everything up?”

Mikey sighed in defeat knowing that his oldest brother and leader wasn’t going to let him go until he got an explanation. An explanation that Mikey really didn’t want to get into, so he tried to keep it short. “Leo, name me one time in the last 2 months that you came and talked to me and didn’t tell me that I did something wrong at some point during the day.”

“Last week when you were playing your new game. I came to tell you that you were doing good and it didn’t take you long to figure the game out.”

The blue eyed turtle laughed and shook his head. “Yeah sure, you said that when you first sat down, then you went right into how I did the last kata in training that morning wrong and told how I should have done it. Then you lectured me about how important it was to stay quiet during training so that I don’t mess up the training for the rest of you.”

Leo stared at his baby brother for a moment. _I did do that didn’t I. He was telling me why he was doing the kata that way and I dismissed him because I told him his way was wrong. THIS is what dad meant, and what Donnie meant too. I should apologize...I’m not the best at these, but you can do this Leo...for Mikey._

“Mikey I...you have to understand that…” Leo stopped and shook his head. _That isn’t how you start an apology, do this right._ “I apologize.”

“Look Leo, I get where you’re coming from...wait, what?” _Well THAT was unexpected._ Mikey thought to himself, too shocked from the apology to think anything else.

Leo paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts and continued. “I apologize. I failed to realize what I was doing was hurting you. I was trying to help you with everything by pointing out what you were doing wrong instead of encouraging you by saying what you were doing right. I apologize.”

Before Mikey realized that his lips were moving he blurted a “why even bother apologizing to the one that screws everything up all the time?”

He didn’t think Leo’s eyes could get much bigger than they were, but they could. “Screws up _all_ the time?” Leo repeated, not hiding the surprise from his voice.

 _Ahh dammit Mikey! Way to just blurt stuff out when you shouldn’t! Something else yet again to fix. Way to go, screw-up._ Mikey looked up at his brother shaking his head. “Nothing! It’s nothing Leo. Apology accepted. Thanks, bro. Let’s go home and relax a bit before patrol, ok?”

Mikey made for the exit again, but Leo’s hand was still holding him in place and Leo himself showed no signs of moving anytime soon. “Why would you say that? Is that the impression that we give you? That I give you?”

“It’s all good big bro.” Mikey tried, smiling. “I was just seeing if you were paying attention, and you were! I didn’t mean it. Just forget about it.” _To see if you were paying attention!? THAT’s your brilliant excuse?? He’s not dumb like you, Mikey. He knows you’re lying._

Leo raised an eye ridge and smiled. “Of course I was paying attention, Mikey. I’m still paying attention and I noticed that you avoided my questions. Why would you say that? What have you done that makes you think you’re a screw up?”

Mikey sighed, knowing that there was no way to avoid talking about what he just shared, no matter how hard he tried. His eyes turned away from his brother and looked towards the tunnel exit. “I dropped the pizza on the basketball court. I scared the crap out of Donnie and he dropped the beaker in his hand and broke it _and_ another one on the table when he turned to look at me. I screwed up that kata this morning at practice, _again_. I pissed Raph off the other night when I accidentally broke...”

“Stop right there.” Leo cut in, silencing his baby brother. “You _accidentally_ broke it. That doesn’t make you a screw up. You surprised Donnie when he was lost in one of his experiments, like he always is, and any one of us would have made him jump out of his shell like that. It doesn’t make you a screw up. It’s a new kata and you’re still learning how to do it right. That doesn’t make you a screw up. None of those things makes you a screw up. It makes you a kid who’s growing and learning. Accidents happen. It _does not_ make you a screw up.”

Mikey turned and looked at his brother, seeing how sincere his brother was looking at him. _He never looks at me like that. Ever. He’s always too busy telling me what I did wrong instead of telling me anything like this. What if he’s just saying this because he thinks he has to say these things as my big brother and leader? But, then again, he might mean it…_

“Really, bro?” Mikey questioned. Leo nodded his head. “Thanks, Leo.”

Leo let go of his brother’s arm, put him in a headlock and walked with him towards the exit. “Anytime little brother.”

_End flashback_

Leo sighed and mentally kicked himself. _When was the last time I had ever talked to him, just to talk to him? Not to tell him something about a mission, or that he did something wrong. But just to_ talk _? I understand what they mean now; took a while, but I get it._

 _I helped him get to this point._ Leo brought his hand to his head, trying to relieve the pressure in the back of his eyes. _All I did was tell him the things he did wrong, thinking that it was the best way to help him improve. I would encourage him sometimes, but barely enough to count. It was easier to tell him what he did wrong and get him to do it my way._

The blue banded leader shook his head, losing the battle and shedding a tear. _He wanted to impress me so badly. It was obvious, but I ignored it. He wanted to make me proud of him and of what he could do, and all I did was point out the things he did wrong_ and _ignored any contribution he made to a plan. I would just pretend that he didn’t say anything or just pretend that I didn’t hear him. I did it to him so often that he was convinced that I didn’t even like him!_

Leo balled his hands into fists, wanting to punch himself for what he did to his brother. _Nitpick, that’s what you did. You would see his shoulders slump and the disappointment in his eyes when you would only tell him what he should improve and ignore all that he did_ right _. But, you thought you were right and you would be helping him. You never thought to look at what you were doing from his point of view. If you did, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this._

 _You did this, Leo. Your actions are partly responsible for driving him to think that this was the only way out_. Leo admonished himself, while trying to regain his composure before he faced his father.

_Somehow, someway little one, I’ll fix my mistakes and get you to understand how much you really mean to me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N #2: I hope I did 2k16 Leo a little justice. To me, he is a very proud guy and one who thinks that because he is the oldest and the leader, what he says and thinks is always right. I think he also genuinely means well and wants what’s best for his brothers, even if the way he goes about it isn’t the best way, or the nicest way.
> 
> Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave a review if the mood strikes you!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to those who have taken the time to review this story. You guys make me happy. I admit, the reviews came in slowly, and now I'm not sure if people are still liking the story or not. I hope you all are and that you're not disappointed.
> 
> No flashbacks in this one. Raph's finally going to talk to him though! I, per usual, am not 100 percent happy with this one, but I hope you guys enjoy it.

_Alright, this is it. You can do this. You got this. Just get straight to the point and don't let him dismiss it as nothing. You_ know _it's not "nothing". Don't fall for his "really, I'm happy!" thing again. Get him to talk to you. After all, you're his hero right?_ Raph smiled to himself at the thought and shook his head. _He'll talk to you, you know he will. You got this._

Raph took a deep breath and held it for a few moments, trying to calm himself down. As he let it out, he let his eyes fall onto the journal. He stared at it for a few more seconds before looking up at Mikey, still in his bed, but who seemed to be casually trying to look for something while trying to look like he was resting. _Yeah...like you can pretend to search for something while you're resting. Good try, kid._

A part of Raphael wanted to run up Mikey with the journal in his hands, and wave it in front of his face, demanding to know just _what_ he was thinking when he wrote that entry. Another part knew that doing that would be the worst thing possible to do, and that left the red banded turtle still cemented in the same spot, clueless.

_C'mon dumbass, go talk to him!_ Raph admonished himself. _Stop taking your sweet time and avoiding this. You wanted to confront him, so_ GO!

Taking all the resolve he had left, Raph walked towards their shared room, hiding the book behind his back. _No point in letting him know that I have it. At least not right away._

When he got to the entrance to their room, Mikey's head was under his pillow, but Raph saw his hands searching for something that wasn't where it was supposed to be.

"No, no, c'mon, where is it?" He heard Mikey whispering to himself. "I left it right here…" the young turtle trailed on, while attempting to stealthily search for his journal.

Raphael stood by and watched quietly, both angered and saddened at the sight. Angry that Mikey ever wrote it to begin with, and saddened that his brother sounded so scared about losing the journal in the first place.

_Now's your chance._ Raph thought, giving himself one last pep talk. _Get this out in the open and get your baby brother back._

He silently walked up to the edge of Mikey's bed. The latter was oblivious to his older brother's entrance, as he was too focused on trying to find his journal.

"How you feeling Mikey?" Raph asked him. He couldn't help but smirk when he saw Mikey nearly jump out of his shell.

"Umm, hi Raph. Didn't hear you come in the room. I...I'm feeling ok, my head still hurts though…." Mikey looked up at his brother and tried his best to look like he wasn't feeling well. "Shouldn't you guys be gone by now?"

Raph shook his head. "We should be, but something came up, so we'll be leaving later." _Actually not at all..._

"Is everything alright?" Mikey asked.

"No, but I'm sure it will be in the end."

"Does Donnie have to fix the truck? I thought he repaired all the damage that we did to it last time."

"He did, Mikey. You could say that he wants to fix something later, but that doesn't matter right now."

"What does he want to fix? He's fixed up everything in here so well that nothing ever breaks anymore!" Mikey sat up in his bed and grinned.

Raph smirked and shook his head. "Well now, that headache seemed to clear itself up in a few seconds, didn't it."

Mikey shook his head. _Ahhh...you idiot. Just stay laying down, that's all you had to do…_ "I still have a headache Raphie, I just got excited thinking about how nothing breaks anymore."

"Leo broke the toaster yesterday."

Mikey smiled and shook his head. "That doesn't count. It's impossible to Leo-proof the toaster."

"Fair point."

An awkward silence passed over the two turtles, making both of them slightly uncomfortable. After a couple of minutes, Mikey decided to break the silence.

"So uhh….did you need me for something?" Raph shook his head. "Nah, Mikey. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute."

"Talking usually means that you say words, then I say words back to you. I haven't heard any words yet so, what's up?" Mikey was getting increasingly curious and annoyed with having his brothers still in the lair, and now Raph, who wants to "talk" but, who seems like he forgets how to form a cohesive sentence.

Raph sighed and sat on the edge of his brother's bed, arm hanging off the side, hiding the journal. "Mikey...I…" Raph stopped and fell silent again, _really_ not knowing how to address this issue.

"C'mon Raph, just spit it out already." Mikey groaned. "This is not helping my headache, bro."

"Is everything alright with you?"

"Where did that come from?"

"Just, answer the question. Is everything ok?"

Mikey shrugged and smiled slightly. "Yeah, why wouldn't it be? Because of a headache?"

"I don't mean in that way, numbnuts. I mean, is there anything bothering you? Anything you want to talk about?" Raph hoped that his brother would say something about his feelings before he brought out the journal. "Something that we can help you with?"

"Not really, no. Is everything ok?" _Why all the questions now? He never..._ Mikey's eyes went wide and he cursed to himself. _Damnit, he found it. He's asking all these weird questions and it's gone. Can't be a coincidence._ Mikey tried to play innocent and shrugged. "I don't need help with anything, bro. I have it under control."

"Under control...right. You know we'd help you if there was something, right?"

"I know, Raph."

"And that we're always here for you."

"I know, Raph."

"And that you mean the world to us."

"Sure, Raph." Mikey agreed. "Is there a point to all this? I'd like to go back to bed."

Raph's temper, that he managed to hide all this time, started to show itself after that comment. "C'mon Mikey, quit lying. We both know you don't have a headache and that you weren't planning on staying in bed and sleeping if we had left tonight."

Mikey stared at his brother, trying to hide the surprise from his face. "Why would I lie about that? Sleeping is good to get rid of a headache."

He watched as his older brother sighed and tossed something towards him. The youngest turtle jumped when the journal landed with a thud on his lap. He kept his head hung low, hiding his face, and his now watering eyes from his brother.

"You _sure_ there's nothing you want to talk about…" Raph began. "Please don't do this, Raphie." Mikey pleaded, shaking his head, voice starting to sound strained. "Because after finding this book of yours…" Raphael continued, ignoring his brother's pleas, "I'm pretty sure there are a few things we should be discussing as a family."

"Raph, please...not right now…" Mikey sniffled, eyes still on the journal in his lap, not daring to look up at his older brother. _You can always run, Mikey_ , he thought to himself. _The exit is right there and this all could be over. You can outrun him. You can outrun them all. It's not how you planned it, but it will still work._

"Then when Mikey!?" Raph bellowed, making Mikey shrink into himself. "When you were dead!? When we found you wherever you were going to be and we had to carry you back home and bury you!? Would _that_ have been a.good.time.then!?"

"I...I just, I don't want to talk about it. Please Raphie, you wouldn't understand." Mikey stated, now fully sitting up in bed, eying the exit to the lair.

"Why wouldn't I understand?" The red banded turtle asked exasperated. He looked down at Mikey and noticed that he was staring off towards the exit. "And trying to run won't work. I'll catch you and bring you home again. I'll do it a million times if I have to, if it means that you'll be alright."

Mikey sighed and shook his head, bringing his knees up to his chest, resting his head on his knees, trying to will himself away from this confrontation. Raphael waited a moment before adding just above a whisper, "I want to understand what drove you to this, Mikey. _Please_. Don't shut us out. We can't lose you."

" _Why not_!?" the blue eyed turtle asked exasperated. "I look around home and look at you guys and I'm pretty sure that all of you would be perfectly capable of getting by without me."

"Who would I have to hang out with and vent to when I'm really pissed off?"

"I'm sure Leo would be a good replacement. You guys fight enough already anyway. Might as well fight for a reason."

Raph snorted, "Leo's the reason I'm pissed most of the time to begin with, bud."

"Gives you a better reason to beat the shit out of him then."

Raph paused, staring at his brother. _You're getting nowhere. If anything, you're making it worse. C'mon Raph...think!_ After a minute, Raph sighed and rested a hand on his brother's knee. "I...I'm sorry Mikey."

Mikey's head shot up to stare at his brother. His eyes were flooded with tears, and if Mikey looked closely, he could see tears forming in the corners of his older brother's eyes as well.

"For what?" He asked, genuinely confused. "You didn't do anything."

"Exactly. I didn't do _anything_. I had the chance, and I didn't. I just told you that you were a great cook and left it at that. Could've done a hell of a lot better than that."

"It's ok, Raph." Mikey shrugged. "It's not your problem. It's mine."

"No it's not, just 'your problem'. It's ours. It's all of ours, not just yours. You're not alone in this. Help me understand this."

"I really thought I explained it well enough in the journal." He sighed and lay his head back on his knees. "Screwed that up too."

"You made the reasons why pretty clear in there." The red-clad turtle confirmed. "I just want to hear you tell me why. Why you believe that you're more of a burden than a good little brother."

Mikey looked back up at his older brother. "You're kidding right?" Raph shook his head no. "You don't see it?" Another head shake. "You sure that we live in the same place?" This time Raph nodded. "Then how can you not _see_ how much I burden all of you? How much I screw up everything? How much stuff I waste around here? How do you not _see it!?_ You can't tell me that I don't piss you guys off, at least a little everyday, because I know that I do."

"I guess we look at things differently, Mikey." Raph smiled sadly. "I won't lie, there are times when you get annoying, but that's normal. Little brothers are supposed to annoy the older ones. There's no harm in that. Even with you being annoying, we love you. I know you love us, you said it in the journal a few times..."

"I was going to do it for you guys…" Mikey interrupted. "To stop having someone bug you guys all the time, and stop making mistakes, stop wasting everything…stop being a burden..."

"We wouldn't be the same without you, y'know." Raph got up and sat himself up, leaning on Mikey's headboard, arm wrapping around his baby brother's shell. "Really, bud. You do more for the family than you realize, and it would take a very long time for us to ever get over losing what you bring to the family."

The youngest turtle lifted his head silently, staring at the entrance of his immediate older brother's lab. "Everyone else knows too, don't they."

"Yeah...they do." Raph confirmed. He sighed quietly when Mikey hid his face in his knees again, crying silently. He patted his little brother's shell quietly.

"It's ok." Mikey sat up a few seconds later, wiping his eyes. Raphael could see his brother shaking with emotion, actively fighting to keep the tears away.

_Suck it up Raph, you almost lost your brother and you_ know _that he still wants to kill himself. Help him. Nevermind whatever image you're trying to keep._ Raphael gently brought his brother up towards him and hugged him to his plastron. "Stop trying to hide all the things that bother you, kiddo." Raph began, still rubbing Mikey's shell. "You don't have to hide how you feel. If you're sad, say so. Don't show us just the happy shit. You're allowed to be sad too, just like us. Stop hiding."

"I, I just…" Mikey stopped himself from sharing his feelings. Raph nudged him gently and wrapped an arm over the younger's shoulder, silently supporting him. "I don't want to burden you guys more with my issues. You guys have enough things weighing you down. You don't have to add my problems to your burden."

"How are we already burdened with you? You mean by the stuff you mentioned in the journal?"

Mikey sadly nodded his head. "Those aren't burdens, those are part of being a big brother. That's what we're there for. To worry about you and take care of you. We don't look at anything we do for you as a burden."

Raph hugged his brother closer to himself and laid his cheek on the top of the other's head. He could feel the other's resolve slipping and a few tears fall on his plastron, but he didn't pay any attention to them. He was just relieved that his brother let him talk to him and hoped that he managed to get through to Mikey, if only a little.

_Don't get too smug yet, he still might just be pretending about all this and try to finish what he tried to start the second no one is around._

They sat like this for a few more minutes. Mikey taking all the comfort he could from his older brother and Raph giving as much comfort as he could.

"They're mad at me for this, aren't they." Mikey said so quietly that Raphael had to strain himself to hear him.

Raphael looked down at Mikey, surprised. "Mad at you? Why?"

"Leo probably thinks that it's dishonorable and since I wanted to do it, that I'm a disgrace. Donnie would give me a million different reasons why this isn't a good solution and be disappointed that I wanted to do this in the first place."

"Neither one are mad. I mean, both are surprised, but they are pretty worried about you and what caused this. I don't know how sensei is taking it though."

Mikey shot up and looked at his brother, surprise and shame evident on his face. "Someone told papa?"

"Leo's in there right now. He went in about the time I walked over here so I really don't know how it's going in there and honestly, I'm not too concerned about that right now. We had to tell dad Mikey. He had a right to know."

"Yeah, I guess." Mikey sighed quietly and laid his head back on his brother's plastron. Raph smiled sadly and wrapped his arm protectively over his brother's shell again. "I just hope he doesn't hate me for this."

"Mikey, this is dad we're talking about. He may be strict and old fashioned, but you're his son. His _youngest_ son. He won't hate you for this. If anything, he'll try to think of a million different ways to help you. And sorry to say squirt, I'm sure that most of them will involve lots of meditation."

Mikey let out a small laugh at that. "Yeah...I guess so."

"We'll get through this, Mikey," Raph added hugging him again, "together, as a family. We'll help you get through this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raph is usually gruff, I know that; however, I would imagine that he would understand that having a temper and yelling about this to Mikey would be the worst thing possible. He also knows he's Mikey hero, and he watches out for Mikey, so I could see him being the one that Mikey would lean on the most emotionally during all this.  
> Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m sorry this took so long! I honestly lost track of time, and before I knew it, here we are. Thank you all for the reviews, and the encouragement!  I know that I don’t reply to comments often (honestly, I mean to and then life happens and I forget, I’m sorry), but they are read and they make me all happy and giddy.
> 
> A bit of a slower chapter I guess you could say, Leo finally got around to talking to Splinter about this whole situation. Splinter isn’t the easiest to write, but I did my best. Enjoy!

Leo had quietly made it to just inside the entrance to his father’s room and stopped dead in his tracks. How  _ was  _ he supposed to tell this to his father? He couldn’t bring himself to put into words what Mikey had written to his brothers and his Sensei. He knew, no matter how hard he would try to maintain his composure,that he would wind up choking up while trying to tell his father what was in Mikey’s journal.

 

“Leonardo, is there something bothering you?” Splinter’s voice cut through his thoughts and he nodded his head. 

 

“You could say that dad,” Leo bowed slightly to Splinter, “but I must admit that I don’t know how to say it.”

 

His father nodded slightly. “I shall be here meditating until you figure out how you would like to tell me whatever it is that is bothering you, my son. I sense that it is something both delicate and important but I will not press you for more until you are ready to tell me.” Splinter then returned to his meditation.

 

Leo stayed silent in the doorway, unsure as to how to bring up such a delicate subject to Splinter.  _ Will he be mad at Mikey? Disappointed? Think of him as disgraceful for even thinking to do that?  _ As quickly as those thoughts came into his mind, he shook them away.  _ Of course he won’t Leo, this is his baby we’re talking about here. He’ll probably try a million things to see if they’ll help. _ He looked out of the doorway and saw Raph sitting on the edge of Mikey’s bed and the journal now in his youngest brother’s lap. He watched as Mikey looked everywhere but at Raph and noted his look towards the exit.  _ Don’t run out Mikey, don’t make us chase after you.  _ Leo did sigh in relief when he saw Raph point towards the exit; he knew Mikey wouldn’t be able to get out without a fight.

 

_ Raph’s got this Leo.  _ He thought to himself.  _ Do what you came here to do. Splinter deserves to know, and Mikey needs his dad, whether he knows it or not. _

 

With new found determination, he went back into his father’s room and knelt in front of his master, waiting to be acknowledged.

 

“I take this to mean that you have determined how to tell me what is bothering you, my son?” The old rat questioned, opening his eyes and looked at his oldest. “You appear to be deeply troubled, a look that I do not see often on you. I can also sense distress in your brothers as well. What is it that has you, as well your brothers, on edge?”

 

“Sensei, Raph found something that, well, no one really expected to find and it had something written in it that was rather disturbing to read.”

 

“I see.” The old rat rubbed at his beard and nodded his head at his son. “And what was it that Raphael found?”

 

 

“Mikey’s journal.”

 

Splinter looked at Leonardo, surprised. “And why, if I may ask, did my second oldest son believe that it was acceptable to go through the personal thoughts of his youngest brother? A journal is  not something that you take and read at your leisure, my son.”

 

“I know Sensei but, Mikey’s been acting strange lately. More so than usual.”

 

“Yes,” the ninja master agreed, “I have noticed a slight decline in his usual joyful exuberance, but it hardly explains the invasion of his privacy.”

 

“Dad, it was an accident. Raph went to get Mikey his comforter for the movie and the book fell out of the bed. Raph’s been really worried about him lately and he read the last entry of the journal and...well, we read it too after Raph told us about it and I believe it would be best if you read it as well.”

 

Splinter shook his head. “Being worried about him still does not give me a valid excuse to invade his privacy.”

 

Leo shook his head.  _ Sorry dad, I have no choice. _ “He wrote you a note in the last entry.” He began, with a tinge of irritation in his voice. “To tell you how sorry he was about being a failure.”

 

“Failure?” Splinter’s ears perked up at that and he shook his head. “My son is not a failure. Why would he think that of himself?”

 

“I really don’t know, dad.” Leo admitted. “We only read the last entry, he says that he’s a failure in it, but we never went through the rest of the journal to see where it all started. At least I didn’t. I mean, he wrote to each of us reasons why he thought he wasn’t good enough, but, we don’t know why he would think all those things”

 

Splinter nodded, taking this new information in.  _ Failure? Michelangelo is gifted in so many things; has a way of bringing this family together and keeping it together even when it seems to be falling apart. He is a talented ninja, is such a selfless individual, and he keeps everyone from being trapped in their own self-loathing for too long...he is far from a failure. _

 

Several minutes went by and Leo watched his father process what he was told. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore. 

 

“Dad?” Leo looked at his father in concern. “Please say something. Anything.”

 

“I...I have never once been disappointed in him.” Splinter shook his head. “He has a much more difficult time than the three of you to focus, but I know that it is a medical issue and not his fault. There are times when his hyperactivity becomes a bit of a bother during training sessions but, I have never been disappointed in him.”

 

_ I failed him.  _ Splinter sighed.  _ A parent should encourage their children, not allow them to believe themselves a failure and a bother to their family. _

 

Splinter closed his eyes for a few moments to try to hide the hurt and sadness from his eyes. “Where is your brother now?”

 

“In his bed. Raph is talking to him right now.”

 

“I see.” Leonardo watched as his sensei walked toward the door. “Perhaps I should have a talk with him as well.”

 

“There’s more, dad.”

 

“More? More than my child feeling like a failure?” Splinter shook his head in disbelief. “What else could there be?”

 

Leo sighed. “Maybe you should sit down for this part, Sensei.”

 

The old rat stood at the door unmoving. “Please Leonardo, tell me what is wrong with your brother.”

 

“The entry wasn’t just a regular entry dad. It was...” Leo stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath and shaking his head, “it was his goodbye letter to all of us.”

 

Splinter stood transfixed on his oldest, certain of what the other meant by that, but completely unwilling to accept it as a possibility.

 

“Impossible. Michelangelo may saddened by something and not quite himself, but I refuse to believe what you are telling me.”

 

“Sensei, forgive me, but it was written in black and white. I know what I read.”

 

“Unless he explicitly wrote  _ that _ , you may have interpreted what he wrote incorrectly.” Splinter knew he was arguing in vain, but a part of the ninja master refused to accept that he missed something like this in his youngest child.

 

“Dad…” Leo sighed sadly. “He said that he has nothing left to offer here anymore and didn’t want to take up more space and people’s time than he already has. He said it was like thinning out the herd and letting strongest keep going. How else is that to be interpreted?”

 

Leo watched as his sensei nodded in acknowledgement, ears drooping as he realized what could have happened.

 

_ I could have lost my youngest, and I would never had known until it was too late. What kind of father does that make me? _

 

For once in the old rat’s life, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t want to show his sorrow to his children, but what he had learned in the last 5 minutes has saddened the ninja master greatly and he found that he couldn’t hide all his emotion behind an indifferent look. He found his eyes watering, not just out of sorrow for what he almost lost, but for what his other sons almost lost, and also for his youngest, whom obviously is hiding a great deal of sadness and pain behind a false smile.

 

“Sensei?”

 

“Yes, my son?”

 

Leo hesitated for a moment, but he really needed to know. “Are you mad at him? Or disappointed?”

 

“Disappointed? And mad?” Splinter questioned. “Why would you ask such a thing?”

 

“Dad...Mikey wanted to, well, you know, die.” Leo shrugged. “I’m sure you’re upset over this, I was just wondering if you were disappointed in him because he wanted to do  _ that  _ as a way out.”

 

Splinter stood in front of his still kneeling son, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I am not disappointed in Michelangelo, Leonardo.” The rat smiled, knowing why Leo asked him that question; Leo was worried about what he would say to Mikey when he went to see him. “Do not worry, I will not shout at him in anger over what he wanted to do.”

 

The blue banded turtle sighed in relief and smiled slightly at his father. His mood then turned solemn, his eyes downcast, looking at the ground in front of him.

 

“What is wrong Leonardo?”

 

“How do we fix this dad? We didn’t even  _ see  _ this coming.”

 

“I am not sure, Leonardo.” His father sighed sadly. “I do know that it will take some time for this to pass, and things may get worse before they get better. We will do what we can for your brother and help him get back to being himself again.”

 

Leo simply nodded in agreement. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have a son that I would like to sit with for a while.” Splinter turned away from his oldest and exited his room, smiling in relief at seeing his second oldest child offering comfort to his child who has lost his way.

 

_ We will help you get back on your path, my son.  _ Splinter smiled to himself.  _ Your family will not let you fall. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: I couldn’t picture 2k14 Splinter angry or disappointed in Mikey because he wanted to commit suicide. I see him more as a strict dad, because really, with 4 boys you have to be strict, but also as a parent that wants to be there for his children and help them. He sees it more as a failure in his parenting for not helping Mikey see the good he does for everyone and I can see him being determined to help Mikey through this no matter what he has to do.
> 
> Leo and Splinter interactions are hard to not make boring while keeping them in character, but I hope I did them both justice. Thanks for reading and review to let me know how I did!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: WOW, I am so sorry it has taken so long to update. Aside from the usual life getting in the way, I can add a slight writer’s block to the cause as well. I also wasn’t 100 percent sure where I wanted to take this story, but I think I have it figured out now. Or mostly figured out, at least. There are a couple minor swear words in here, just fyi. :-)
> 
> A special thank you to all of you that have reviewed/favorited the story. It’s nice knowing that people are enjoying it and I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!

Donnie made his way out of the lab, spotting their father looking towards Raph and Mikey’s shared room. He glanced over and saw his older brother holding his baby brother close to him, rubbing circles on the smaller one’s shell to calm him down.

He wanted to look at Mikey’s arms, see what damage he had done to himself, but he was also hoping that he was reading too much into those entries that he had quickly read and that Mikey hadn’t been cutting for a while now. Deep down he knew that Mikey was doing it, but he still held a small amount of hope that he wasn’t.

_Go help him. He needs his family. You pushed it aside once and look what happened. You know he’ll object, but this needs to be out in the open. He can’t do this on his own._

He walked towards their room, stopping only when he caught his father walking to their room as well. He looked up at his sensei gesturing to his lab and smiled when his father shook his head and pointed at him, and then towards his brother. _He needs you right now. Go to him._ He could hear his father telling him through the gesture. He watched as the old rat sat by his meditation area, his eyes never leaving the figures on the bed.

_He’s taking this better than I expected._ Donnie thought to himself. _Then again, I haven’t really talked to him yet, so I could be completely wrong._

Donatello stopped at the entrance to their room, looking expectantly at Raphael, waiting to get the ok to come closer or a ‘come back later’ look. When Raph looked up at him and gestured to come into the room, he hesitated a bit. Now that the opportunity was here to help, he really didn’t know how to go about it.

The genius turtle sat on the edge of Mikey’s bed, beside Raph, next to Mikey’s head. He laid a gentle hand on his baby brother’s shoulder and let out a very quiet. “Hey, bud.”

Mikey looked up from his spot on his second oldest brother’s plastron and tried his best to smile. “Hey, Donnie.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m ok. Really, it was silly of me to have thought of that and I’m sorry I made you guys worry. It’s all good, bro. I’ll be fine.”

Donnie and Raph looked at each other, unsure how to proceed. Raphael shook his head, clearly annoyed with Mikey’s response. “What kind of answer is that? That’s the biggest bullshit answer I’ve ever heard you come up with.”

“Calm down, Raph.” Raph sat up slightly and huffed at his next younger brother, wanting to yell at both of them for different reasons. He leaned back on the bed, bringing Mikey back down with him.

“How is it a bullshit answer!?” Mikey then sat up, supporting himself with a hand on Raphael’s plastron, looking him in the eye. “I’m sorry I made you guys worry. I’m not lying about that.”

“I believe the part Raph was referring to,” Donnie began as he inched up closer to the two of them at the top of the bed, “was the part about you being silly and that you’d be fine.” Donnie shook his head at his little brother, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly. “Do you really think we’ll believe that?”

Mikey sighed and now sat up fully on the bed. “Look, it was a bad idea. Let’s just move on alright?”

“Move on!? From _this!?_ ” Raph’s patience was nearly depleted by this point. “You tried to kill yourself! We can’t exactly just ‘move on’ like this never happened! This is kind of a big deal, whether you admit it or not.”

“I didn’t try, I never got the chance to go through with it!” Mikey sighed and looked down at the journal. “You kind of stopped me before I got the chance to try, bro.”

Donnie followed Mikey’s eyes and stared at the journal. _The journal….the entries….his arms!_ Shaking his head, Donnie coughed to get their attention.

“We’ll talk about this when all of us are together.” Mikey’s head shot up at that. “This is a serious issue and one that just can’t be dropped because you don’t want to address it, little brother.”

Mikey lowered his head again and nodded. They all sat quietly for a few moments before Donnie’s stammering was interrupting the silence.

“You forget how to talk or something?” Raphael smirked. “This some kind of new language? Have anything else to add other then ‘well,’ ‘ummm’ or ‘uhhh’? The sighs are getting a little annoying too.”

“I...I just, you see I…” Donnie kept stammering. Mikey lifted his eyes to look at Donnie, trying to figure out just what he was doing, while Raph grit his teeth rolled his eyes.

“Would you just get to the point already!” He finally shouted to his genius brother. “Enough with the noises and spit out whatever the hell it is you want to say!”

Donnie couldn’t help but jump when Raphael finally snapped at him. He nodded in agreement with his older brother, _really Don, get to the damn point, this isn’t helping_ , and figured the best way to deal with this was to dive right into it head first.

Donnie sighed and reached a hand out towards Mikey. “May I see your arms, please?”

Mikey managed to hide the fear at being discovered behind a look of confusion. “My arms? Why? I haven’t hurt them. They’re fine.”

“Show me your arms, please.”

“What for? I’m not injured. There’s no reason to give them to you.”

Donatello, hands still outstretched towards his orange clad brother, looked at Mikey, a look of worry and annoyance marring his features. “Mikey, I won’t ask again.” _C’mon Mikey, just show them to me already. You won’t win this one._

“And I’m telling you again.” Mikey said stubbornly, “No.”

“Oh for shell’s sake Mikey, just give him your arms.” Raph sighed again, shaking his head. _He really did do something. If there was nothing, he wouldn’t fight like this._ “He won’t stop until he sees them,” the bigger turtle continued, “so just show them to him, make him happy, and we can move on.”

“No.”

“Don’t make me have Raph hold you down so I can look at them, Mikey.” Donnie warned. “If I have to, I will.”

“Why are you so hell bent on seeing them anyway?” Mikey defended, his worry at being found out temporarily overshadowed by the determination of his immediate older brother. Donnie usually never pushes Mikey like this, and that, right now, was annoying the youngest turtle the most.

“I...I just need to see them.” _Don’t do this, Mikey..._

“Why? It’s green skin, just like yours, nothing exciting. Move on.”

Donnie, sighed, adjusted his glasses and went for the jugular. Frustration won out in the end and the purple-clad turtle couldn’t stop himself. “Why? You want to know _why_? I want to see the cuts that you’re hiding. Happy?”

Mikey stared in silence. Donnie coughed and looked away from his baby brother towards Raph, hoping to get some kind of positive response from his older brother. Raph simply nodded his head towards Donnie. He took it as a sign of Raph’s support and that encouraged him to keep going.

“I, uhh, went through a couple entries in your journal, just to see if I could pinpoint when your depression really started, and I came across a few entries where you talked about cutting.”

“You read my journal.” He stated quietly. Donnie, never looking back up at his little brother, just nodded his head.

Mikey sighed and lowered his head, his hands idly playing with the blanket on his bed. Both older brother’s glanced at each other, then at their baby brother and back at each other. When they looked back down at Mikey again, neither had expected to see their blue-eyed brother shaking with emotion.

“Mikey, I...I’m sorry. I just…”

“You had _no right_ to do that!” Mikey finally yelled at his genius brother. “None of you had _any_ right to go through that book. None!” Mikey stopped to catch his breath and to try to stop the tears from falling.

“I know Mikey but Raph just…”

“I don’t care!” Mikey shouted back with such fervor, that it made Donnie back away from his little brother. He didn’t remember the last time Mikey was so upset, and knowing that it was partly his fault didn’t make him feel any better either.

“None of you had any business going through something that wasn’t yours to begin with!” Mikey shouted louder this time. The heated discussion from earlier had drawn the attention of their father but he didn’t intervene on their conversation. He had heard Donatello telling Mikey about cutting and knew that it would negatively affect his youngest child, but he still stayed back knowing that the older brothers wanted to help Michelangelo. But now, seeing his already emotionally fragile son in _this_ state, he couldn’t help but walk towards his son’s room.

“I don’t care if it fell out of my bed!” Mikey continued, “I don’t care if you read it because you guys were ‘so worried about me’!” Mikey was now in Donnie’s face, with Raph sitting up now at full attention, ready to intervene if it happened to get violent.

_Now there’s something I never thought about before; Mikey and Donnie arguing and getting violent._

The shouting brought Leonardo out of his father’s room as well. He joined his father near the edge of the bedroom, ready to jump in when the situation called for it.

“ _You_ had no reason to read parts of my journal.” He shouted, pointing a finger at Donnie. “And _you_ had no reason to read my last entry!” He barked to Raph. “If you would have minded your own business, everything would have went according to plan and I’d be dead like I had wanted and deserved!”

Time seemed to stop. None of them moved, too shocked to say anything. Mikey realized what he had said out loud, eyes widening in surprise. He was eye to eye with Raphael, who was looking at him, shocked, mad and sad all at once.

“Deserved?” Mikey could have had whiplash with how fast his head turned to face the new voice in the room. “How can you say such a thing?”

 The youngest turtle lowered his head in shame. “Papa, I…” he sighed, unsure of what to say to his father, and wanting nothing more than to get out of where he was. “It’s nothing dad. I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

Splinter sighed, the dismissive answer was what he expected, but not what he had wanted to hear. “I believe it is time that we sat and discussed this, my son.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mikey lost his temper! I believe that somewhere in that little bundle of energy and joy is a turtle with a temper. He just doesn’t let it out because he hates being upset and angry and hides it as best he can behind his happy-go-lucky attitude. Even if they had good intentions, what they did still upset him and with his emotions already screwed up, he couldn’t hide it this time.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading; please let me know what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks again to all of you that have reviewed and enjoyed the story so far. Let's see what papa Splinter has to say.

"I believe it is time that we sat and discussed this, my son."

Michelangelo blinked and sighed. He looked at his family, noting the shock, sadness and the anger on their faces and sighed again. _Great job Mikey. Look at how worried they are; you just had to do_ one thing _, and you couldn't even do that right. Now they have even_ more _to worry about than before. Good going, screw-up._ Looking down at his blanket again he simply shrugged his shoulders, knowing that at this point, there really was no escape.

Splinter smiled sadly, taking a spot on the side of the bed closest to Michelangelo. He could feel the hurt, shame and even confusion coming from his youngest. He wanted nothing more than to rid his son of those feelings, but he knew it wouldn't be easy.

"I agree Sensei," Donnie began. "Getting things in the open about why Mikey is feeling this way may be the best…"

"Donatello, I would like to speak to Michelangelo alone." Splinter looked at his purple-clad son and smiled softly.

"Oh, of course, Sensei, of course." Donnie bowed to his father. "But I still want to look at..."

Splinter raised a paw and silenced him. Mikey shrunk further into himself, his head half way into his shell. Splinter laid a paw on Mikey's back, rubbing circles on the distressed turtle's shell. "And you will, my son. I agree that they need to be looked at, however I would like a few moments with him to talk it through."

Leo, meanwhile, felt awkwardly out of place. He wanted to step in and help, but his father clearly wanted a moment with Mikey. He walked up to the now crowded bed and looked to his father.

"We'll finish cleaning up the living room, Sensei." Leo suggested. "We didn't have a chance to do that before...well, before this happened." He was surprised when Splinter shook his head. He usually always insisted that his sons clean up their messes, and the living room was still a small disaster area after their movie night.

Raphael was going to get up and start cleaning, if only to distract himself from what was going on, and stopped when Splinter shook his head. "Then what?" Raph questioned. "Do you want us to leave the lair or something?"

Their father shook his head. "Not at all." He looked at Mikey, still huddled into himself and then back at his older children. "I would like for you," he looked at Donatello, "to put any medications in your lab away. If there are other things that can be used for self-harm, those go away as well."

Donnie looked at Mikey, reaching under his glasses to rub at his eyes to will any tears away. He gave a shaky sigh and bowed. "Yes, Sensei. Right away."

"Raphael, you will go into the kitchen and remove anything sharp from the cabinets. Whatever else you find in the kitchen that could potentially cause harm is also to be removed." Splinter looked to his second oldest, waiting for an acknowledgement. Raphael was getting too overwhelmed by this situation and merely nodded an affirmative response.

"Leonardo, go to the dojo. Ensure that all weapons are locked away. Ensure that there are no other weapons around the lair and, if you find any, lock them in the dojo as well."

He looked to Mikey and sighed sadly. Leonardo then looked to his father, nodded his head and bowed to his master. "Yes, father."

Leo gave a last gaze towards his younger brothers, noting their shared sad, exasperated looks and knew they were thinking the same thing. _How did it get to this?_

Splinter watched as his children went and did as instructed. He turned back to his youngest and gently reached for his hand. Mikey, still too ashamed to look at his father, didn't move. "I am sorry that I spoke to your brothers about this like that in front of you, and I am rather certain that I must have made you feel worse. However, I want you safe, and alive, as do your brothers."

Mikey knew and understood why he told them to do those things, but he refused to look at his father, or acknowledge what was said.

"Michelangelo, look at me." Splinter asked him, voice just above a whisper. Mikey shook his head. "I am not upset with you, my son."

"You should be." Mikey mumbled, his father barely hearing him

"But I'm not. Please understand Michelangelo, I am in no way upset with you regarding this."

Mikey nodded his head and finally decided to look up. He saw no anger in his father's eyes, only deep concern and love. Splinter reached his hand out to cup his son's cheek, Mikey leaning into the hold. "I don't understand what happened to make you believe that this was the best course of action, but you are my son, and I love you. I will do all I can to help you through this. What happened to make you start feeling this way? That you deserve to no longer be part of this world. Is there something your brothers or I have done to you?"

_He thinks it's their fault! No, papa, none of you are to blame, just me. It's all on me._ "You guys have done nothing to me, Sensei!" Mikey answered fervently. "You are all just so awesome, all of you can do so much and do so many things for the family. I just...well," he said, gesturing to himself. "I'm just Mikey; the baby of the bunch that contributes nothing to the family _or_ the team."

Splinter hummed in response. He turned over the hand that he was holding, gently running his hand along the bandaged wrist. He rested his hand on Mikey's forearm, staring at the bandages.

"Did you truly do what your brother said you did to yourself?"

Tears filled Mikey's eyes and he let them fall freely. "Yes, Sensei."

Splinter took a deep breath, keeping his nerves calm, not raising his voice to his son, knowing that if he did, this would most likely be the last conversation he would ever have with him. Instead he sat quietly for a few moments, eyes on Mikey's wrist, before he simply asked, "why?"

"I deserve it."

"No one deserves to be hurt in such a way."

"I do."

Irritation was simmering under the rat's calm exterior, wanting to come out. He drowned out the irritation as best he could, shaking his head at Michelangelo. "Explain."

"I keep screwing up."

"How so?"

"Everything I do comes out wrong. Nothing I do _ever_ works out. I mess _everything_ up, papa."

"That still does not explain why you believe hurting yourself is a good idea. When you do something that is not acceptable, I tell you so and send you to the hashi if the situation calls for it. That does not happen very often, Michelangelo; hardly enough times to injure yourself like that."

"I...you wouldn't understand, papa."

"Help me understand. I _want_ to understand your reasoning, Michelangelo."

Mikey took a few moments in order to gather his thoughts and explain it as best he could. "Someone has to punish me for all the other stupid things I do. The things that aren't bad enough for the hashi, or a lecture from you. For the things that I break because I don't pay attention, or when I get distracted when we're fighting, or when I get carried away and forget where I am and end up causing trouble for you or the guys because I didn't pay attention. When I do something dumb, I cut to punish myself for the trouble I caused others because I was too careless or just plain stupid. I deserve the pain for the troubles I cause others."

Splinter stayed silent for a moment, to stunned to say anything. _Why would he believe doing this is acceptable punishment?_ "Michelangelo...I…" His normally well-spoken father was completely unsure how to respond to his youngest's admission without causing him more distress. He eventually decided to ask the first question that crossed his mind. "Do you think that your family wants you to hurt yourself like this as punishment for things that don't _deserve_ punishment?"

"But, I do deserve it."

" _No one_ ," Splinter repeated, "deserves this. Least of all you."

Mikey didn't answer. Instead he kept his head down, eyes glued to his blanket.

"Do you think we want you to punish yourself like this for things that don't merit punishment?"

"I…you weren't supposed to find out about this, papa."

"I am glad that we did." Splinter reached out for his son's hand, squeezing it gently. "Quite honestly my son, I am trying to think of times that you may have caused so much trouble that would lead you to believe that you had to do this."

Mikey looked up at his father, confused. "You read my journal haven't you? The letter they read? It's all in there."

"No, my son," Splinter informed him, "I have not. Leonardo told me you believe that I am

disappointed in you, but he didn't go into detail about the reasons. How could I be disappointed in you? I'm very proud of all of my children."

"I'm not like them, dad. I can't just _be_ normal. I have to move, I have to do the stupid things, and I know that disappoints you." Mikey began, looking away again from his father. "I know that you think I don't take class seriously and that I'm too hyper. I know it gets on your nerves and I'm sorry that I can't do better." Mikey stopped and laid his other hand atop his father's hand. "You deserve better than someone like me."

"You are what I deserve, Michelangelo." Splinter smiled. "You bring joy to everyone's lives by being yourself and seeing the good in everything. Being hyper and unable to sit still is because of a medical condition. There is nothing you can do about it other than what we have already done. It will always be there and there's nothing wrong with that. It makes you who you are. To be honest, without you around, our family would be very dull and lonely. You complete this family and hold us together."

Mikey smiled his first genuine smile in what felt like forever to him. "Thanks, Sensei."

"You're welcome my son." Splinter's hands rested on the underarms of his child. "May I see what you have been hiding?"

Said arms were ripped away from Splinter, leaving the old rat shocked. "I don't want you to see this, dad." Mikey shook his head, keeping his arms close to his body. "You don't have to see what I've done; you'll end up more disappointed than you already are."

"I have already told you that I am not disappointed in you, Michelangelo." He reminded his son. "They have to get looked at to be sure there is no infection setting in."

Mikey shook his head. "No. I'm sorry Sensei, I don't want anyone to see this."

"Is there any way that you would allow only Donatello to look at them?" Splinter asked. "I am ok with not seeing what is under the wraps, but, please allow your brother to care for you."

Splinter watched as Mikey had an internal debate about letting his brother see his arm. "Your brother only wants to help you." Splinter reminded him gently. "He is worried about you. They are _all_ worried about you and they want to help you heal. Please allow them to help you."

His father's plea had the desired effect. Mikey looked at his father, both suspicious and curious. " _Just_ Donnie? No one else?"

"If you want only Donatello in the room with you, then he is the only one that will be there."

Mikey thought it over for a few minutes, eventually conceding to his father's request. "Ok, I suppose. But _just_ Donnie can see them. No one else."

Splinter reached out and hugged his son. "No one else will see them until you are ready to show them. I promise you, Michelangelo." Mikey slowly hugged his father back, still unsure about letting Donnie see what he has done to himself, but willing to trust his father enough to see if it will help him.

_Maybe they really do care about me enough to help..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for making it through to the end! Leave it to papa to talk some sense into his son and have him get some help. I hope I got this Splinter close to how he would be in the films. direct yet caring, just what Mikey needs right now. Also, in case anyone was wondering or wasn't sure, the condition Splinter is referring to Mikey having is ADHD.
> 
> Please let me know what you all think!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here’s the next chapter! I still hope there are people interested in this story; I see I still get views but reviews themselves seem to have fallen off the planet and aren’t there. I apologize if I don’t reply to every review that I get, but I do sincerely appreciate every review that I do get and find myself checking my inbox often to see if I have any.
> 
> Anyway; here it is, not the best one I’ve written, but not bad. A little long winded possibly, but hopefully not too boring. Mainly Donnie and Mikey.

Splinter got up from the bed, extending a hand out to his youngest. “Come, Michelangelo. I will go with you to Donatello’s lab and explain to him what we’ve agreed upon.”

Mikey sighed nervously and slowly got up from his bed, only to stand and wait for his father to guide him to the lab. _I don’t care anymore; they already know I’m not happy so why pretend that everything is ok? I really don’t have the energy to pretend that everything is fine anymore anyway. Just...do what you gotta do dad. I’ll figure out how I’m going to get out of here so I can take this burden off everyone’s shoulders once this is taken care of._

The sight of his usual happy and excitable child standing silently, waiting for guidance, hurt Splinter more than he wanted to admit. _This isn’t my son. This is a shell of a boy who is supposed to be worry free and happy._ The ninja master gently laid a paw on his son’s arm and walked with him to Mikey’s immediate older brother’s lab. When they got there, they found Donatello locking a cabinet door.

Splinter gently knocked on the door frame to get his son’s attention. The genius turtle turned and smiled to the two new people in his lab. “Sensei, I was just finishing up…” Donatello stopped and looked at his baby brother, uncomfortable talking about what he was required to do. “That is, I was putting away...well, you know what I was doing.”

“I understand Donatello, and thank you.” Splinter smiled to his purple-banded son. He then gestured to Mikey. “Please Michelangelo, have a seat on the table, or wherever you feel most comfortable. I will quickly speak to Donatello.”

Mikey nodded and sat on the examination table, quietly waiting for one of them to come back to talk to him. Like his father, Donnie’s heart broke at the sight of his once happy brother, saddened at how fast his attitude changed. _It didn’t just change overnight, Donnie. He’s been pretending to be happy for a long time._ This _is how he really feels and now he’s just not hiding it anymore._

Donatello walked with his father a little outside of his lab, where they could speak alone, but still keep an eye on Mikey. Though none of them said it out loud, they all worried that he would try to leave the lair and act on his original thought, and no one wanted to leave Mikey alone.

“Your brother has agreed to let you look at his arms.” Splinter informed his second youngest. “He is very reluctant, but I managed to get him to agree to it. _However_ , he agreed to this if it was _only_ _you_ in the room. He does not want anyone else there.”

“Thank you for convincing him, Sensei.” Donnie smiled gratefully. “I’ll go and inform Raph and...wait; did you say only me?”

“Yes, Donatello, only you.”

“Oh.” Admittedly, Donnie was a little nervous being the only one in the room with Mikey. He was very worried that he may accidentally say something that would scare the other off. _But if this is what Mikey wants, I’ll do it._ “Of course, father. I understand.”

“He trusts you, my son, or he would not have agreed to this.” Splinter smiled softly, seeing the nervousness and trying to encourage him. “I know that you will do your best to care for your brother and help him.”

The genius smiled back, grateful. “Thanks, dad.”

“If you need me, I will be doing a look over of the lair and then retire to my room for a few moments to meditate. Please come and see me when you have finished with your brother.”

Donnie nodded and watched his Sensei walk back to Mikey and Raph’s shared room to look for himself for anything in the room that should be removed for Mikey’s safety. He stood there for a few more moments, staring blankly at his lab, lost in thought, and was brought back to reality by a gentle nudge on his arm.

“You ok, Donnie?” Leo asked, concerned. He followed his little brother’s eyes to his lab, and saw Mikey squirming impatiently on the examination table. He looked over to Donnie, questioning what happened since he had last saw them.

“Sensei said that Mikey’s willing to let me look at his arms.” Donnie informed his oldest sibling.

"Good! What are we waiting for then!?” Raph announced as he walked up behind his brothers. “Let’s get this taken care of.”

Leo nodded and walked with Raph towards Donnie’s lab. They both stopped when they noticed that the genius wasn’t with them.

“Uhhh, guys, Mikey said that _I_ could look at his arms.”

“Yeah, we got that, Donnie.” Leo confirmed. “So....let’s go.”

Donnie gulped and looked away from his older brothers. “He doesn’t want anyone else in the room but me.”

“What!?” His red-banded brother bellowed. “What’s wrong with _us_!? Why do you get to see him and we get kicked out!?”

“He doesn’t want everyone seeing them, I guess.” Donnie shrugged. He looked to Raph and backed away, noting the anger on the other’s face.

“We’re his brothers. We’re family.” Leo sighed, thoughts of what he had said to his youngest brother filling him with regret. “We obviously screwed up, I get that. But, we _want_ to help him. _Why_ won’t he let us just be there for him? Raph and I just want to support him.”

“He does not want others to see what he has done to himself, my sons.” Splinter appeared behind them. “Despite the fact that he wholeheartedly believes that he deserves every cut that he has inflicted upon himself, he is still ashamed of what he has done.”

His three oldest sons looked at their father, surprise and sadness etched on their faces. Raphael shook his head, trying to reason with their master. “I don’t care about what he did, Sensei. We should be in there supporting him while Don sews him up. Let him lean on us, be good big brothers. Ya know?”

“In this instance, being a good big brother means to respect his wishes and remain out here while Donatello assesses Michelangelo’s injuries in private.”

Raphael paced around their living room, while Leo stood grounded to the spot he was in when their father first entered the room, lost in thought. He wanted to be there to support his youngest sibling, but, he also could see where Mikey was coming from.

“We should just stay out here for now, Raph.” Leo finally conceded. “Mikey won’t keep us away forever and really, if it makes him more comfortable that we stay out here, we should. We’d just be in Donnie’s way anyway.”

His red-clad brother looked like he was about to shout back at Leo, but he finally gave in as well. Shoulders slumped and head bowed, he shrugged. “Fine. But as soon as you’re done Donnie,” he began, head raised and finger pointed towards his brother, trying to sound as threatening as he could, “as _soon_ as you have him patched up, tell us.” Raph sighed and sounded more emotionally drained and overall very unlike himself. “Just...come out here, even for a minute, and tell us that he’s ok.”

Donnie smiled gently and laid a hand on his bigger brother’s arm. “Of course I will, Raph. I’ll update you as soon as I can.” Raph nodded his head as he watched Donnie disappear into his lab.

Donatello stood by the closed door and waited patiently for his baby brother to get comfortable on the examination table before trying to look at the wounds. He didn’t want to chance doing anything that may cause Mikey to run off after he agreed to allow Donnie to look at his arms. Donatello once again let his thoughts wander to all that happened tonight and to what he read, trying to piece together when this all began and what signs they missed.

“Don?” Donnie shook his head at hearing his name. “Donnie, you ok, bro? I’ve called you a few times already.” He looked up to see Mikey looking at him, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m ok, Mikey. I was just thinking.” He smiled, trying to calm his own nerves. “Whenever you’re ready, just let me know.”

Mikey shrugged. “Whenever you want I guess, bro.” He started removing the wraps from his left wrist and stopped. Donatello waited for a few moments before slowly walking up to him, placing a hand on the other’s arm.

“Are you _sure_ you’re ok with this, Mikey?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“How can you still be worried about me?” Mikey finally asked after a few moments of silence. “I yelled at you. I got _super_ mad at you. You should be mad at the way I treated you, not worried about me.”

Donnie took a seat beside his little brother on the table, and shrugged. “Mikey, I can’t be mad at you for that.” Mikey looked at him, confused.

“Why not?”

“Because you were absolutely right. I had no business going through your journal. They’re your personal thoughts, not something to be read at someone’s leisure. However, circumstances being as they are, I honestly do not regret doing what I did, and neither does Raph. If he hadn’t of looked through it…”

Donnie paused for a moment, looking into the baby blue eyes of his youngest brother, blinking tears away from his own eyes. “If he hadn’t gone through the journal, I wouldn’t be here talking to you right now. You wouldn’t be sitting on this table, you’d be…” Donnie stopped again, regaining his composure, “laying on it, dead. I would rather have you alive and mad at us for this, then have you dead and never be able to hear your voice again.”

Mikey didn’t know how to respond to that. He never bothered to think how his brothers would feel having to carry his body home and bury him. He only ever thought of how their lives would improve without him around.

He stared at the floor, silent. After a moment, he looked up and into his brother’s eyes; his brother’s shining, tear-filled eyes. Donnie was doing his best to keep the tears from falling and instead gave Mikey a soft smile. He was trying to give his baby brother some space while at the same time trying to show Mikey that he was there to lean on if need be.

After one last look at his big brother, the orange-banded turtle went back to the wraps and before long had them removed from his arms. Donnie opted to not move and wait until Mikey showed him that he was ready.

_This is it, Mikey. Get ready to get yelled at; screamed at, really. He’s going to be so mad at all the cuts that I did and I know there’s no way to get him to understand how much I deserved every one of them._ Mikey turned his left arm over, the arm that has the most cuts, and held it out to his brother, waiting for Donnie to raise his voice at him and tell him how wrong this was. He couldn't look up at his brother; he was too ashamed to look up and face him.

_This is it, Donnie. Don’t yell at him, no matter what you see. He doesn’t need that, no matter how much you want to yell at him,_ don’t _do it. Just...just fix them up, talk to him a little. Whatever you do, don’t yell at him, Donnie. That’ll only make things worse._ Donnie watched as his only little brother turned his arm over, exposing his injured limb. He bit his lip to keep the words that he wanted to shout at him from coming out. Instead, he let out an audible gasp as he reached out for the wounded arm littered with cuts in various stages of healing.

Donnie placed a finger under Mikey’s chin and lifted his brother’s head in order to look at him in the eye. “Mikey…” he asked, voice gentle and soft, “how long have you been doing this?”

Mikey looked away from his brother, looking at anything other than him. “A couple of months, I guess,” the orange-banded turtle shrugged, surprised that he wasn’t getting yelled at, “maybe three months, give or take.”

Donnie cautiously reached out for Mikey’s right arm and was thankful that there were only a few cuts on that arm and that all of them appeared to be infection free and mostly healed. “You don’t have as many on this arm as your left one.” Donnie cautiously probed. “How come?”

Mikey shrugged, “I only used this arm when I kind of ran out of room on this one.”

Donnie closed his eyes and bit his lip. Taking a deep breath, he continued to look at the cuts. “Well, the ones on your right arm look pretty good, Mikey. I don’t really have to do anything to them. I’ll just clean your arm quick and put some new gauze on it, ok?”

Mikey nodded in agreement and watched as his brother set to work. He was quiet for a few moments before asking the question that’s been on his mind since showing Donnie his arm.

“Aren’t you mad at me?”

“No, Mikey. I’m not mad at you.”

“You don’t want to yell at me for this?”

“Mikey,” Donnie stopped wrapping and looked his brother in the eye, raising his voice a little in frustration, snapping before he had the chance to stop himself. “Am I sad and unhappy that you did this? Yes.”

Mikey looked down, ashamed.

“Am I mad at you? Not really, no. I wish you would have talked to us when you started to feel depressed, but that’s our fault as much as it is yours. Am I mad at _all_ of us for letting it get this far? Yes, I am. Am I mad at myself for not addressing this when you were hurt after the Krang attacked you and I had the _chance back then_ to help you before it got to this point? Definitely.”

Mikey tried to pull his arm away, wanting to be anywhere else but there at that moment, but Donnie held his arm firmly.

“But, am I happy that you agreed to let me help you? Yes. Am I going to do everything I can to heal your wounds and get you back on your feet? Absolutely. You’re my baby brother, and to me, to all your big brothers really, no one is more important than you. I don’t care if I’m in here for 5 hours fixing you up; you need me, and that’s what I’m going to do.”

Donnie released Mikey’s arm and finished bandaging it up, smiling when Mikey didn’t try to run away. He stopped for a moment and before he knew it, he was wrapping Mikey in a hug to calm both himself and the younger turtle.

“I’m sorry Mikey, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” Mikey shook his head. “S’ok bro, I deserve it.”

That only made the older turtle hug him tighter. “No, you don’t, Mikey. You have enough going through your mind right now and you didn’t need me to do that to you.”

Mikey lifted his arms to return his brother’s hug. He cuddled in closer, just taking all the comfort he could from his big brother. His family rarely hugged him first, and he wasn’t about to let it pass, depressed or not. He knew he needed this right now.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, before Donnie released his hold on his little brother. “You still want to show me your other arm, kiddo?”

The blue-eyed turtle nodded his head and presented his left arm to his brother. Thankfully he had seen it earlier and he was not as shocked seeing it this time as he was before, but he still winced at the cuts that were present. Some were old and faded and had been cut over again, others were still healing and a few looked relatively new. He paused at those and gently ran a finger over them.

“When did you do this one?” Donnie asked, pointing to a deeper cut that looked like it was done not too long ago.

“This morning.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Mikey.”

“I was practicing my technique. Plus, I didn’t shut up in training again, so I figured I’d test out the knife to be sure it was sharp enough. I hadn’t meant for it to go that deep, but it didn’t really matter.”

Donnie unconsciously shivered hearing his little brother talk about his self-harm as though he were talking about a day at the beach. “So, that’s what you were going to use for...you know, _that_ once we had left for patrol?”

Mikey nodded his head.

“Ok, well, it needs stitches because it’s pretty deep. It’s reopened just in the few minutes that your arm has had the gauze off and you’ve moved it around.” Donnie said as he went to retrieve the tools he had prepared earlier.

“You did a good job cleaning them though, Mikey.” Donnie told his little brother. “But there are a couple that look like they could be getting infected. I’ll have to put some disinfectant on those ones and keep an eye on them for the next few days. Same with the bigger cut to make sure it heals and prevent infection.”

Mikey, again, merely nodded his head and left his fate in the hands of his older brother. Donnie threaded the stitching needle but stopped before he put in the first stitch.

“Want me to freeze you before I start? It’s going to hurt.”

“Dude, I willingly cut my arm with a knife.” Mikey chuckled. “Poking a needle in and out of my skin isn’t going to bother me.”

Donnie shuttered at that. “Well, _I_ don’t feel comfortable knowing that I may be hurting you, so I’m going to at least apply a numbing agent to your arm before I stitch it and disinfect it.”

It took Donnie about a half hour to carefully stitch his brother’s cut, disinfect his arm and re-wrap it. Once he was done, he looked over his little brother with mixed emotions. He was happy to have been able to help his brother and happy that Mikey had trusted him, but obviously sad of the reasons why those things happened.

“So…” Mikey asked after a few minutes of silence, “what now, doc?”

Donnie smiled at Mikey, rubbing his sibling’s head gently before resting his hand on his baby brother’s shoulder. “Now, I think we should all get some sleep. We’ll talk about what to do next in the morning, when everyone is a little more awake and has had time to absorb everything that’s happened.”

“Ok.” Mikey looked up at his big brother, giving him another hug. “Thanks Donnie. You know, for not yelling too much at me or telling me I was stupid for doing this or anything like that.”

Donnie returned the hug, resting his chin on the smaller turtle’s head. “You’re welcome, Mikey. If you ever want to talk about anything, I don’t care what, come find me ok? Even if it’s 3am, come get me. Chances are I’ll be already awake anyway. Don’t do this on your own, ok?”

“I’ll try.” Mikey said as he released the hug.

“Ok. That’ll work for now.” Donnie smiled. “C’mon, let’s go to your room and try to get some sleep.” Donnie wrapped his arm around Mikey’s smaller shoulders and guided his little brother to his room for some much needed rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure if I like this chapter all that much. I am sorry, but I tried. That counts, right?
> 
> Reviews make me happy. Please tell me if anyone is still reading this and wants me to continue!! Take care everyone!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for how long it's been since I last updated. I could write a million reasons why, but I won't do that. Life happened, yay for that. But I must also admit that I really wasn't sure how to get to the next part of the story. I started writing the beginning of a few chapters, but I really couldn't figure out how to get them to tie together.
> 
> In short, I had huge writer's block. But it's better now! At least a little; I figured out how to tie in a couple of chapters, mainly through this one and the one that is half-written after this one. I sincerely hope that the chapters will at least make a little sense and will be worth the wait.
> 
> This chapter is basically a "meanwhile with Leo and Raph" while Mikey and Donnie are in the lab. There's a lot more swearing in this chapter than previous chapters. Just a friendly fyi.
> 
> Again, I'm so sorry but I hope you enjoy!

Leo watched his genius brother retreat behind the closing lab doors. He stood there for a few moments, unmoving and lost in thought, and was brought back to reality by his red-clad brother's growl as he tossed himself onto the couch.

He watched his usually stubborn, 'I'm too tough to show any emotions' brother, and sighed. Raph looked like he was ready to fall apart; he was trying to keep his usual angry attitude front and center, but he had let that slip more than once in the last few hours and Leo knew better. Leonardo knew how much Raphael cared about his baby brother, no matter how much he would try to deny it. He knew that Raph considered himself Mikey's personal bodyguard and if it ever came down to it, he would jump in front of Mikey in a heartbeat and take the hit if it meant that his baby brother would be unharmed.

They all would.

 _So how come Mikey doesn't see it?_ Leo asked himself. _I admit, we don't ever really say that we love him, but isn't doing things for him, and protecting him, proof enough? Doesn't dad say that 'actions speak louder than words?'_

Shaking his head, Leo went and sat beside his immediate younger brother. Raph ignored him, as Leo expected, his head in his hands, staring blankly at the floor. Leo leaned back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Both siblings sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, before Raph finally spoke.

"How did we miss this?" He asked, voice making him sound so unlike his usual self.

"I don't know." Was the only response Leo could give him.

Raphael turned to look at his brother, and in turn leaned back on the couch to stare at the ceiling.

"I should have seen it."

"Raph, _how_!? How can you say that? We all should have seen it."

"Nah, Fearless, you wouldn't have noticed because you barely pay attention to him." Raphael began, shaking his head sadly. "I'm the one with him the most. He's with me when I workout, I play video games with him, hell, we share a _room_ and I didn't see him falling apart in front of my eyes. I hang out with the kid more than you and Donnie combined. _How_ did I miss him cutting, miss him getting more and more depressed to the point where he wrote a damn suicide note!? Kid just plastered on a fake smile and I fell for it hook, line and sinker."

"This isn't your fault Raph."

Raph looked to his older brother, wanting to yell at him that it was, but he stopped. He simply got up and left the room, heading for his punching bag.

Leo wordlessly followed him. He stayed back while his red-clad brother started mercilessly punching the bag, letting his frustrations out on the helpless object. Leo decided to stand behind the bag to hold it in place; Raph simply continued punching, sweat starting to form on his brow.

"Raphael," Leo tried again, "this is not your fault."

The turtle gave one last violent punch to the bag, sending Leo backwards. "Of course it's my fault, Leo!" Raph shouted. "It's mine. It's yours. It's Don's. It's Mikey's. It's everyone's fucking fault!"

"We couldn't have prevented this…"

"Like hell we couldn't have!" Raph continued to shout. "That kid is around us 24/7 and we _never_ fucking clued in to a thing! Not even one.damn.thing! We should have seen something. Hell, I _did_ see something! And what did I do!? _Nothing!_ I gave him one of those great "big brother pep talks" and left it at that." Raph just shook his head, shaking in anger. "Fuck, _Mikey_ should have said something more, but he just went around saying his goofy-assed jokes and walking around with his damn grin like everything was well in the world."

"Maybe he didn't feel like…"

"Like what!?" Raphael interrupted his older brother again. "Like we'd give a shit? Like we'd listen to him? Yeah, he made that part of it pretty clear, Leo. It doesn't take a fucking genius to figure that out."

"We figured it out now, and that's what matters." Leo tried to comfort Raph, knowing that it was probably not going to work. "Whatever we do now will impact him, either for the better or the worse."

"Oh spare me the lecture, Fearless." Raph sneered. "And what are you going to do when you see him? Tell him to his face how stupid he was to think it and give him a lecture on how to better hide his shit so we don't find it?"

"What exactly is _that_ supposed to mean!?" Leo stood eye to eye with his younger brother, his own anger rising.

"It's not like you talk to him for any other reason." Raph said calmly, smirk firmly in place. "You only talk to him when it suits you and when it makes _you_ look better. What better time to put yourself above him than when he's at rock bottom. It seems appropriate coming from you."

Raphael felt the fist connect with his beak long before he realized what had happened. He didn't have time to defend himself when he felt another punch land on the side of his face. Once the initial shock wore off, he looked up and saw the equally shocked look on Leonardo's face.

"What's wrong, Fearless?" Raph laughed bitterly. "Truth hurts?"

"That's enough, Raphael." Leo warned his brother. _We can't be fighting amongst ourselves right now, Raph. I should have left him alone. I should have just let him come in here by himself and punch the stupid bag._

"Why? Because I'm right? Because _Mikey_ was right about you?"

"Mikey was _not_ right about me!" Leo defended. "And neither are you."

"Given how you're reacting right now, I'd think that me and him are _both_ right."

This time Leo couldn't stop himself. He charged at his younger brother, but this time Raphael was ready. They exchanged a few blows; ninja training was thrown out the window at this point, this was a fight.

"You have no clue how I feel about Mikey!" Leo shouted, mid-punch.

"I have a pretty good idea!" Raph replied, throwing a punch of his own. "You _never_ talk to him except to tell him that he fucked something up."

"Doesn't mean I don't like him." Raph and Leo were staring each other down again, waiting for the other strike first.

"Bullshit. That's exactly what it means, and you know that I'm right. It's just pissing you off that you couldn't keep your dislike for the kid hidden away…"

"I _love_ that kid!" Leo interrupted. Raph stared at him shocked into silence.

"I just...one day we're not going to be here to take care of him the way we do now and…" Leo sighed, stopped talking and closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure. Raphael simply continued to stare. "I want to know that he will be able to handle things on his own. I know I nitpick, but…" He paused again, trying to find the right words. "I wanted to be sure that he would do what needed to be done, and that he'd do it right, when we weren't with him. I went about it all wrong, I know that now. But really Raph, I like him; I love my baby brother. And don't you _dare_ tell me again that I don't."

Whatever anger that was left in the red-clad turtle melted away. He approached his oldest brother, stopping in front of him. "The way you show your "love" _is_ pretty fucked up." Raph stated, "but I suppose in a way I get why you did what you did. Wouldn't have killed you to actually spend time with him apart from training and shit. Y'know, more than the one game you'd play to shut him up kind of thing. Big asshole move on your part."

"Yeah, thanks Raph." Leo rolled his eyes. "I got that."

"We all really fucked up with this whole big brother thing though, Leo." Raph continued, clenching his hands. "Big brothers are supposed to help their younger siblings, y'know? Not get them depressed and suicidal. I mean, we must have done _something_ to make him believe that all the things he wrote to us in that note were true. Or, maybe we didn't do something and it made him think it. I don't know which one is worse."

Leo only let out a hum of acknowledgement. He understood why Mikey felt the things he felt when it came to Leo himself. What he didn't understand was how Mikey came to the conclusions that he did about his other two siblings.

Finally, Leo let out a bitter laugh. "We have a lot to make up for. You'll be fine though Raph. He adores you. I think if anything, he'll latch onto you the most right now."

Raph laughed despite the situation. "That's fine. He can latch onto me. As long as it means I don't have to search for him in the sewers and hope he's not dead, I'm fine with that."

That made Leo shudder. If things would have been just a little different, they would have been gone on patrol right now and Mikey would be...somewhere, dead. Or at least dying. Alone. He would be laying there waiting to die, thinking that he was doing what was best for his family.

_Seeing Mikey dead, having to bury our baby brother, it would have killed us. Nothing could have brought us back from that. Nothing._

"He adores you too, you know." Raph stated abruptly.

"No, he doesn't," Leo denied, "or at least he shouldn't. Look at what I did to him. You're right; I barely paid any attention to him. I didn't even realize I was doing it. But, I did it so much that I made him think I didn't even like him. I even had _you_ thinking that I didn't like him. That deserves hatred, not adoration."

"Eh, whatever Fearless." Raph shrugged. "Just know that Mikey adores you and Donnie as much as he does me. Well, maybe a little less than me, but close enough. I mean," Raph looked over to his oldest with a smirk, "I _am_ the squirt's hero, after all."

Leo laughed lightly and shook his head. "Yes, you are; and I expect you to act the way a hero should with him."

"Really? Lecturing and telling me how to handle _Mikey_!?" Raph glared, eyes narrowed. "You really went there? Lecturing and telling me what to do when Donnie's in there fixing up our broken baby brother? After our little discussion? _Now!?_ Of all times…"

"Alright, you made your point, Raph." Leo shook his head, wanting to avoid another argument. "You're his hero for a reason; I'm sure you'll do just fine helping him out."

"Was that sarcasm, condescension or did you sincerely mean that?" Raph questioned, honestly confused. "Knowing you it could be any of those."

"It was sincere. He looks up to you; he trusts you. There's a good reason why and I know how _you_ feel about Mikey enough to know that you'll do whatever you can to help. Being the hero is just more incentive for you."

"Hero or not, I'm still part of the problem." Raph shrugged and added quietly. "This would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with if it was someone that had physically hurt him or something. Just find them, beat the shit out of them, and move on. Just some dumbass to beat up; that would have made it better. But, there's no one to beat up for this."

For once Leo could say that he knew where Raph was coming from in the wanting to be violent department. If there was someone to beat up for hurting Mikey, it would be so much easier for them to deal with. But this was something that they couldn't see, something that was affecting their baby brother so negatively, and there was nothing they could do to get rid of it. It wasn't like they could go into Mikey's mind and kick the depression out of their baby brother's head. If they could, they would be in there right now.

If only it was that easy.

 _We can't kick its ass, but we'll still do everything we can to help you, squirt._ Raph thought to himself. _We won't fuck this up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It wasn't the best, but I had to try to get a Leo/Raph fight into the story somehow. They're always fighting and they wouldn't stop fighting because of this. If anything, Mikey's situation would make them argue even more. I wanted to try and keep their toughness but also that they love Mikey in their own different ways. Hopefully I did that and managed to keep them in character.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading and pretty please review and let me know that people forgive me for the long wait and still want more!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone that's reviewed so far and thanks to everyone for their patience! I didn't realize how long it was since the last update for this story, but here is the next chapter! I hope it doesn't disappoint. It picks off where the last chapter ended; Leo and Raph waiting to see their little brothers come out of that lab.
> 
> I hope it's worth the wait!

Raphael walked back to the couch, leaning back to stare at the ceiling. An uncomfortable silence washed over them once more. It was Leo this time that broke the tension.

“Did you finish what dad asked you to do?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I did, Fearless. A lot more shit than I would have thought had to be put away. If you need most of what is usually in a kitchen, you’ll have to ask me for it. Hell, I even got rid of the cleaning supplies for good measure.” 

“You can never be too sure. Good job, Raph.”

“And you? You get everything?”

“Yes, I did. There were some weapons lying around the lair, and obviously a lot in plain sight in the dojo, and those are all put away.” Leo shrugged absentmindedly, “Makes the dojo look pretty empty without all that stuff in it.”

“Don’t care if it’s empty, at least he’ll still be here.”

“Fair point.”

“So where did you put all of it? That’s a lot of shit to keep hidden from someone as nosy as Mikey.”

“It has all been well hidden in my room, my son.” The two oldest turned and locked eyes with their father. “Initially I wanted everything locked in the dojo, but I thought it would be a wise decision to have them where I would see them and where Michelangelo would not.”

“Probably the best way to keep him out of everything.” Raph agreed. He stared at his father, seeing the same sad, lost, and upset look on his father’s face, although he was having a better time hiding his feelings than Raphael was. Leo nodded in agreement with his red-clad brother.

“Did Mikey tell you anything about why he thought those things when you talked to him, dad?” Leo asked the old rat.

His master shook his head sadly. “He only told me that he makes too many mistakes, feels like he is in the way and holding everyone back.” Splinter said, ears cast downward. “I have been trying to understand why he would feel that way. I must admit that I’m having a very difficult time understanding any of this.”

“Dad…” Leo said holding out the journal. “I know you don’t want to invade his privacy, but his well-being is more important than that. At the very least, read what he wrote to you in his letter. If for no other reason than to understand, at least a little, what’s going through his head.”

Splinter looked at the journal, not wanting to invade his youngest child’s privacy.  _ This is more important than his privacy. If his privacy  _ hadn’t  _ been invaded in the first place, you would be getting ready to bury your youngest child. He is not in his right mind; he needs his family to support him and understand what is going on. _

Reluctantly, the ninja master took the journal from his oldest son’s grasp. He turned towards his room with the book in hand, so that he could read the journal in private.

Leonardo and Raphael watched their father leave and then turned back towards the lab door.

“How do you think it’s going in there?” Raph questioned.

“I really don’t know.” Leo admitted. “But Mikey hasn’t run out of the lab yet, and there’s no yelling, so I guess it’s going ok.”

“Yelling? They’re not us Leo. Neither of them really yell, especially at each other.”

“Donnie’s shaken up.” The leader stated. “And Mikey’s on edge at being found out. Yelling wouldn’t be out of the question.”

Raph nodded in agreement. Silence settled over them again for a few minutes until the red-clad turtle spoke up. “How bad do you think it is?”

“What is?”

“His arm. Or arms, I guess. I don’t know. Donnie makes it sound like it’s pretty bad. I don’t know if I can believe that it’s really _that_ bad.”

“The only people that know right now how bad it truly is are Mikey and Donnie.” Leo said, not hiding the bitterness in his voice at being locked out of the lab. “Hopefully he’ll trust us enough at some point.”

Raphael didn’t answer; he kept staring blankly at the ceiling, still trying to fully wrap his head around what had happened in the last few hours. His thoughts stopped on the events that led to the lab door being shut with the two youngest turtles behind it. He had to admit that he was as confused about it as Leo was.

“Why _doesn’t_ Mikey want us in there with him?” Raph asked his older brother. “I get what dad said and all, but we’re his brothers, I’m his _hero_ , but he doesn’t want _me_ in there with him!? What the hell is that about? Why does he trust _Donnie,_ but not me?”

“I don’t think it has anything to do with trust, Raph.” Leo began, sensing his brother’s jealousy that Donnie was in there and not him. “Donnie said that dad convinced him, right? He knew Donnie wanted to see the damage and out of all of us, Donnie was the only one that could help him out.”

“Yeah, sure.” Raph shrugged, still put off by his baby brother’s apparent rejection. “Let’s go with that. ‘You’ll always be my hero, Raph.’ Yeah, nice to say on paper, but when he really could have shown what I meant to him, he knocks me down a peg and runs to Donnie.”

Leo rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Has it ever occured to you that maybe he didn’t want you in there, _because_ you’re his hero?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Raph questioned. “It _should_ mean that he would want me there to help him.”

“Really?” Leo smirked. “He would be more than happy to show the person he looks up to the most in this world what he’s done to himself.” The blue-banded turtle shook his head. “He’s keeping you away because he doesn’t _want_ you to see how bad it is. He’s probably scared that you’ll look at him differently now. As for myself, he didn’t want me in there because he thinks I wouldn’t really care anyway.”

Raph thought it over, and reluctantly nodded in agreement. “Yeah, ok. Given everything that’s been going on right now, I really wouldn’t be surprised he thought that way.” 

Leo patted his little brother on his shell, silently offering him support. He knows saying anything else about it may start another argument and for now, that is the last thing Leo wants.

Both brothers went back to sitting quietly for a few minutes, before Raph turned on the TV, absentmindedly going through the channels, trying to take his mind off the current situation. Leo soon joined him, blankly staring at the screen trying to keep himself distracted. As hard as they tried, they couldn’t keep themselves from gazing towards the lab door, hoping that their brothers would be out soon.

Eventually, the door opened, and Donnie emerged with Mikey, an arm wrapped around the younger one comfortingly. The two older turtles jumped up from the couch, and slowly followed behind the younger two heading towards Mikey and Raph’s shared bedroom. They stood at the entrance of the room as Donnie led Mikey to his bed; both brothers paled at the sight of the bandages covering their baby brother’s arms. As if sensing his brother’s gazes on him, Mikey looked up at his brothers and shamefully tried to hide his arms from view.

Donnie could sense the distress coming off his little brother and gazed up at his older brothers, shaking his head. As much as they didn’t want to listen, they really didn’t want to start anything right now, and reluctantly stood back, watching as Donnie spoke to Mikey for a moment, before turning his attention to them.

“I’m going to talk to Sensei.” Donnie told his older brothers. “I promised him that I would go see him when I was done. But, I don’t want to leave Mikey alone right now.”

“None of us do, Donnie.” Leo confirmed.

“Yeah…” Donnie trailed off, a hint of sadness in his voice.

“We’ll go keep an eye on him.” Raph cut in.

“ Figured you would.” The purple banded turtle said with a small smile. “But don’t bring up his arms. Please. At least not right now. I don’t think he could handle the questions right now. Just…. _ please _ . I know you guys want to talk to him about…”

“Donnie,” Leo interjected, putting a reassuring hand on his younger brother’s shoulder. “We get it. We won’t. It’ll be hard…”

“Damn hard.” Raph cut in.

“But we won’t. Turtle’s honor.”

Donnie breathed a sigh of relief and laid his own hand on Leo’s, still on his shoulder. “Thanks guys.” He made his way towards his father’s room. “I’ll be back in a bit.” 

“Take your time.” Raph called out to him, then turned back to his baby brother and muttered to himself, “we won’t be moving anytime soon.”

Raph and Leo watched their genius brother’s retreating form for a moment before turning their gaze back to Mikey. They each took a calming breath and entered the room, reminding themselves that they promised they wouldn’t do anything to set off their baby brother.

They found Mikey fixing the pillow and sheets on his bed, hissing in pain a few times as he did so. Raphael watched Mikey trying to fix up his bed and he suddenly left the room. Meanwhile, Leo approached Mikey, slowly putting a hand on the other’s shoulder.

“Do you need help, Mikey?” He asked his little brother.

Mikey looked blankly up at Leo, then back to the sheets, shrugging. “Not really, bro. I’m good.”

“ But, it looks like you’re in pain.” Leo pressed on. He wanted to help, wanted to let Mikey know  _ somehow  _ that he was there for him, but he didn’t want to be overbearing or scare Mikey away.

“Huh?” Mikey stopped for a moment, then shrugged again. “Oh, it’s ok, Leo. It just stings a little from the stitches and the stuff Donnie put on them.” Mikey looked up again at his oldest brother and shrugged. “Really, it’s fine. No worries, bro.”

Leo stood and watched his little brother for a few moments, nodding sadly. If this had been any other time, he would have helped Mikey whether he wanted it or not. Now, he knew it would only make things worse.

"Leo?” The blue banded turtle turned to Mikey and noted the look of worry and sadness on his face.

“What’s wrong, Mikey?” Leo questioned, genuinely confused.

“Where...where did Raphie go?” He asked, sounding worried. “He was with you a minute ago, and...and then he left. Why’d he leave?”

_ He thinks Raph left the room because he doesn’t want to be near him. I have no idea where he went kiddo, but I know he’d never leave you like that. _

“I’m not sure, but I know it’s not for the reason you think.”

Silence. “Then...why did he…”

“Out of the way Fearless. There’s a bed to finish.” Raph barreled into the room, Mikey’s comforter in his arms. He looked over to his two siblings, noting the look of extreme relief on his baby brother’s face. “What? What’s with the look?”

“I - I just didn’t know why you left.” Mikey said, trying his best to sound nonchalant.

“Your comforter was still in the living room, squirt. It’s not like you can sleep without it, it’s too damn cold in here for that!” Raph said with a smirk. He laid the comforter down on the bed, and patted his baby brother on the head affectionately. “Now lay down so I can finish fixing this comforter up.”

“Raphie, I can do it…”

“Get in bed.” Raph interjected. Sensing that Mikey may take his answer negatively, he shrugged and added, “I’m the one that took it off in the first place right? Only fair that I put it back on.”

Leo couldn’t help but feel proud of his hot-headed younger brother. _That’s why you’re his hero. You always know just what to say or do to calm him down._ Smiling at his two younger siblings, he reached out and helped Raph smooth out the bottom of the bed, then pulled up a chair next to Mikey..

“Leo?” Mikey questioned from his spot in the bed. “What are you…?” He stopped talking as he felt the bed next to him sink under a new weight. “Raph? What are you doing?”

“Getting comfy so that I can get some sleep, squirt.”

“Yeah, but, your bed’s above mine.”

“Not tonight it ain’t. Probably not tomorrow either.”

“This can’t be comfy for you. The bed isn’t big enough for the both of us…”

“Mikey, I’m not moving.” Raph said stubbornly. “I’m staying right here, next to you, all night, and I’m waking up with you in the morning, and there’s nothing you can say to stop me. So...deal with it.”

Mikey looked up at Leo, with the same questioning look. “Sorry Mikey, same thing with me. We...we just want to make sure you’re ok.”

“But what about…”

“Donnie’s still talking with dad.” Leo interjected, knowing who was asking about. “I’m sure they’ll come by to see you when Donnie’s done talking to dad about...,” Leo paused, taking a deep breath and motioning to Mikey’s arms. “Well, you know.”

The smallest turtle nodded in understanding, lying himself back on the bed, trying to calm the thoughts that were racing through his head.

_ This wasn’t supposed to happen. They shouldn’t be all around me panicking like this, worried about what they should and shouldn’t say to me. They should be out doing something useful, like patrolling and getting the bad guys, not sitting around looking extremely uncomfortable in chairs and in a too small of a bed all because the family screw-up well….screwed-up. _

_ And Donnie...poor Donnie. I never wanted to make him have to do that. I know he wanted to help me, but why? I just wasted at least an hour of his time. He could have done so much awesome stuff in that time and I made him waste it by sewing me up. The one thing I never wanted to do again, and I did it, I wasted their time because I screwed up. Couldn’t even do one thing right, Mikey… _

“Mikey, you ok?” He looked up to see his genius brother looking down at him worriedly. “Did you need anything? You zoned out for a bit there, bud.”

In the background, he could hear his other brothers muttering to themselves, each one worried like Donnie was.  _ There you go screwing up again, Mikey! _ “ No, I’m ok Donnie. I was just thinking.”

Donnie looked at him, not fully believing him, but not wanting to press the matter for the time being. He reluctantly nodded his head and sat in another chair.  _ When did that chair get in here? How long  _ did  _ I zone out for? _

His thoughts were cut off but a clawed hand gently stroking his head. He looked up and into the saddened eyes of his master. He noted the book in his father’s hand and looked away, ashamed.  _ I didn’t even notice papa coming into the room and getting a chair of his own!? Wow, great ninja, Mikey. You’re supposed to sense these things! _

Splinter smiled sadly at his son. Wordlessly he reached out to take Mikey’s chin in his hand

and gently lift his son’s head to look him in the eye. His hand reached around to cup his son’s cheek and stroke it lightly, his gaze never leaving his youngest’s. Eventually, Splinter lowered his hand to one of Mikey’s and held it in a death grip. He silently made it clear that he was going to be staying the seat that he was currently occupying for the night.

Splinter looked to each of his children, noting the exhaustion that was overcoming them all.“Goodnight, my sons. We shall discuss this further tomorrow morning. For now, let us rest.”

Mikey looked to his father, then his brothers, smiling sadly. “Goodnight, guys.” His comment was met with a string of goodnights from his siblings before silence took over the room and Mikey was again left alone with his thoughts.  _ There wasn’t supposed to be a tomorrow morning for me, papa. I was supposed to free you all of your burden. But, I know I can fix my screw-up; I won’t fail again. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: They're being very patient, and are trying very hard to do what they can for Mikey. Leo and Raph want nothing more than to shake Mikey and get him to talk, but manage to hold back simply because they don't want Mikey to run and lose him for good. Raph's doing very good at keeping his temper in check, but the true question is how long with it last?
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I hope that you are all still enjoying this story.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to all those who still read and review this story! I said it before, but I want to mention it again; I may not reply to the reviews, but I read all of them and they make me so happy when I get them. You guys are awesome!
> 
> So not much Mikey here, but a lot of feels. Hopefully not overly done. Even if this is about Mikey, can't forget about his brothers and what they're going through too. Enjoy!

Donatello wasn’t able to get any sleep. He was still trying to understand how any of this happened, right under their noses, to the turtle none of them had ever suspected.  _ How much does he really hide? How much of what he does is just an act? _

“You really should be sleeping, Donnie.”

The genius turtle couldn’t help but jump in his seat. He looked to his left and found Leo’s gaze.

“Just can’t sleep.” He said with a shrug.

Leo simply nodded. “That makes two of us.”

An uneasy silence covered them for a while, before Donnie spoke up again.

“So, Leo?”

Leo remained seated in his chair near the bed, his eyes never leaving his baby brother’s sleeping form. “What, Donnie?”

“What do we do now?” The sadness in the younger’s voice was evident.

“I...I really don’t know.” Leo replied. “One day at a time I guess. Try to fix whatever it is that’s broken so this doesn’t happen again. This _can’t_ happen again.”

Donnie nodded in agreement, his eyes on his baby brother in his bed with Raphael next to Mikey, holding and guarding his younger sibling in his sleep.

“I just...I should have seen it coming.” Donnie sighed. “I should have pushed him more to open up to me that night.”

“Even if you would have pushed him to talk, Donnie, the last thing anyone would have expected was _this_. He may have told you more things, but not everything.” Leo shook his head. What Mikey wanted almost happened. Leonardo had to keep reminding himself that Mikey hadn’t had the chance to actually _try_ to die, and that they were lucky that Raphael came across Mikey’s journal when he did.

Reading his journal may have broken trust between the older brothers and the youngest, but reading it when they did had saved their baby brother’s life and saved their family from falling apart.

Leo’s own guilt was palpable. Weighing him down to the point that it was suffocating. Leonardo didn’t want his brothers to know how badly Mikey’s would be final message to them was affecting him, but it was proving difficult to hide the longer he watched Mikey sleep.

_ He thinks I don’t like him. That I think he’s brainless...that I’m disappointed in him. Was I truly that blind to what my words and actions were doing to him? He was always smiling and shrugging everything off, like nothing ever bothered him. I just never thought it would come to this. _

_ But it did, and he thinks I hate what talents and gifts he has. Which means that he thinks I hate  _ him _. I couldn’t hate him. He’s just so different than me and it frustrates me to no end. It doesn’t excuse anything that I said to him. Obviously, what I’ve said affected him a great deal. I still don’t know if Mikey even believed me when I told him that I loved him and was proud of him… _

“Leo? Did you hear anything I said?” Leo shook his head and looked sadly up at his purple-clad brother. “Sorry Donnie, I was just thinking. What’s wrong?”

Donatello shook his head. “It’s ok for now. What were you thinking about?”

“ How this all started. How we missed the signs. How we were  _ almost too late _ !” Leo suddenly growled. “That night, Donnie! He was going to do it  _ that.night.  _ He was sitting down with us, like nothing was wrong, just waiting until we were out to the door so that he could leave his note and die! Because he thought it was best for our family! Because he thinks he’s a waste of space in this family. That movie we were watching with him would have been the  _ last time  _ we would have spent time with him! We would have gone out on patrol, and we would have come back to an empty home, save for one note that would tell us that he’s thought himself useless and unneeded for who knows how long!”

Leo stopped for a moment, reaching for his face and noting the tears that now ran along his face. He wanted to will the tears away and stay strong, but he was having a hard time; he was exhausted, and it was proving to be too much for the young leader. “We…” he paused and wiped at his eyes again, “I’m sure he would have gone to his skateboard hangout to do this, and we would have went there only to find his dead body to bring home and bury. And we would have been wondering for the rest of our lives _why_ Mikey thought the things he wrote in that note.”

He paused again and slammed his hand on the armrest of the chair. “He wanted to die, Donnie! How do big brothers  _ miss that _ !?”

“He didn’t want us to know.” Donnie shrugged and removed his glasses to clear away his own tears. “He’s good at hiding things when he really wants to. And this was something that he really wanted to hide. He compared himself to us too much in his head and thought he wasn’t good enough because he wasn’t like us.”

“...did we ever make him feel unneeded?” Leo said barely above a whisper. He then turned to look his purple-banded brother in the eye. “Be honest Donnie. Was he right? I don’t know what to make of this at all, but I need to know if he had a legitimate reason to think that way.”

“No, we didn’t. At least not on purpose. Depression makes people see things in a completely different way than how others see things...”

“Please Donnie, don’t get all psychological on me.” Leo warned as calmly as he could. “I can’t handle the usual things you spew out right now. I really can’t.” 

“Right...sorry, Leo.” Donnie muttered and went back to staring at his little brother. Leo looked up and saw the hurt in the other’s eyes and realized that he was a bit too harsh on his brother.

“Look D...I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that I have a hard enough time as it is to follow what you say and…”

“Yeah...I know. It’s ok, Leo.”

Donnie sighed nervously and took his glasses off and started to clean them, just to have something to do. Both of them sat in silence, neither sure what to say, but Donnie decided to try.

“Dad’s taking it pretty hard.” He said sullenly. Leo huffed in agreement. “His youngest son thinks that he is a disappointment to his family and that he doesn’t deserve to live. Tell me why he wouldn't be taking it hard.”

Their eyes both wandered over to their father, who was now sleeping in a chair closest to the head of his youngest child’s bed. He was holding the journal close to his heart and holding the orange clad turtle’s hand. Donnie and Leo’s hearts broke at the scene.

“How?” Leo asked more to himself than to Donnie.

“How what?” Donnie probed.

“Hmm?”

“You said how. How what?”

Leo hadn’t even realized he said it out loud. He shook his head in disbelief. “How does Mikey not see how much we love him? How can Mikey think that he was going to do would be _good_ for us! Look at us! We’re…”

“If you keep talking that loud Fearless, I’m going to get up and beat you senseless.” Raph whispered from the bed. “Wake him up and you’re in for it.”

Leo hadn’t realized he was raising his voice until he heard Raphael talk to him. Looking to his younger brother, he had the decency to look slightly bashful about it. “I didn’t realize I was shouting. Get back to sleep, Raph.”

“Not really sleeping, just napping.”

“Whatever you were doing Raph, get back to it.” Leo chided.

“Yeah, yeah. You too, Fearless. And Donnie too. At least try.”

“No promises, Raph.” Leo shrugged. “You should get some sleep, though Don, you had a longer night than us.”

Leo turned to Donnie when he didn’t hear a reply and froze. His little brother was staring blankly at the floor, mask wet from tears. Leo turned back to Raph, who looked on worryingly.

“Hey Don,” Raph whispered to not wake Mikey, “you ok?”

When Donnie showed no sign that he heard Raphael, Leo gently put a hand on Donnie’s shoulder and made the purple-banded turtle jump in surprise.

“Did I miss something?” Donnie asked his two worried, older brothers.

“You ok?” Leo asked, concerned. Donnie merely nodded his head affirming that he was fine. “You sure?” Leo looked into Donnie’s eyes and knew he was hiding something.

“I’m fine, guys. Really.”

“Donnie.” Raph said, anger rising. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“No, I’m fine.” Donnie tried again. “I just got to thinking about Mikey and…” Donnie shook his head. “We have Mikey to worry about right now. I’ll be fine. We should all just try to get some sleep.”

“Donnie, don’t do this.” Leo didn’t want to see another brother suffer alone and if he had to hit low, he would. “Look what bottling up feelings did to Mikey. Do Raph and I really act like we wouldn’t care about our little brothers so much that they choose to keep the bad things from us?”

“No, but Leo - I...it’s nothing.” Leo inched closer to his little brother; he _really_ wasn’t good at comforting or dealing with feelings, that was Mikey’s job, but another little brother was suffering and he couldn’t let him do it alone; this time he’d stop it before it got worse. He wrapped an arm around Donnie’s shoulders, tucking him under his chin.

“It’s something, Donnie. Obviously, it’s something. Please tell me.”

The combination of exhaustion, emotion and just feeling _safe_ with Leo, broke the younger turtle’s defenses. “It’s just...we failed him. _I_ failed him.” He started, sniffling slightly. “I don’t care what you say, I _should_ have said something. If i had, it wouldn’t have come to this. Everything that happened after that night is my fault.”

Leo turned to Raph, who clearly wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t want to leave Mikey, but he couldn’t stand seeing another little brother break down either. Raph slowly tried to get up, but Leo held up a hand, telling him quietly to stay where he was with the other brother that needed support too. The blue-banded turtle turned his attention back to Donnie, still crying in his arms.

“Donnie, we can’t change the past. All we can do is work with what we know now and help him through this. We all had chances to stop him, but we all did the same thing; we all thought that it was just a bad day and that the next day, Mikey would be ok. And he was; or at least he acted like it. None of us saw the change in Mikey. _None of us_. Not just you. _You_ helped him in your lab earlier tonight, and all me and Raph did was argue. That’s something.”

Donnie clung to his big brother who was being so much stronger than he was right now. He wanted to be like Leo, and think that everything would be ok, but he knew better. Raphael seemed to realize that there was more bothering his younger brother than the thought of failing his baby brother. He noted Donnie staring at Mikey and his arms and realized what else was bothering his genius brother.

“Want to talk about it?”

Donnie looked up and rubbed at his eyes. “Talk about what?”

“I’m pretty sure you know.”

“Raphie,” Donnie never called him that, Raph noted, unless he was emotionally strung out and at his wits end. “I...I don’t.” Donnie looked away from his siblings, shaking his head.

“You can’t tell me that patching up Mikey’s arms didn’t affect you at least a little.” Raph said, sitting up a little on the bed, careful not to wake his baby brother. “I know you were looking at his arms just now, so spit it out.” He saw Donnie open his mouth to speak, then hesitated. “Me and Leo didn’t see them and they’re affecting us.” Raph added gently, trying to coax his brother. “So they have to be affecting you, since you were the one that sewed them up.”

Donnie hesitated again for a moment, then gave up when he felt Leo tighten his hold on him and felt his older brother lean his cheek against his head. He couldn’t help it this time and he cried on Leo’s shoulder.

“It’s just...there were _so many_.” He began between sobs. “So many new ones, so many _old_ ones, ones that we should have noticed and he didn’t even _care_!” Donnie broke out into tears again and Leo rubbed the younger’s shell to try to calm him. “He cut _both_ arms! Both! Because he ‘ran out of space’ on the first arm. Then when the other cuts healed, he’d cut over them again.” Leo and Raph looked at each other in shock and concern, then turned their attention back to their rambling brother.

“He just...he just shrugged them off like they were nothing. Like he didn’t cut so deep that he needed stitches. Like he didn’t have an infection in one of them. Like it _didn’t.matter._ Like _he_ didn’t matter.” Donnie stopped to take a breath, and tried to focus on Leo rubbing his shell to calm down. “He didn’t even care if I froze him or not when I stitched him up; he didn’t care if it would hurt, he was just going with it. _I_ froze his arm because I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him, but he just shrugged it off.”

Leo’s eyes teared up hearing what his little brothers went through tonight. He hugged his genius brother closer, trying as best as he could, to let his brother know he could lean on him for support.

“You did good tonight, Don.” Leo assured him. “You showed him we care. That we want him better. That we want him _here_.” The leader felt his younger brother relaxing in his hold and continued rubbing his shell. “Get some sleep Donnie, you deserve it.” _C’mon Leo, say something better than that! Keeping the good things from your brothers is just as much to blame for this as anything._ Leo shook his head and smiled down at his little brother. “Thank you for saving Mikey, Don.”

Donnie finally closed his eyes giving into sleep, a small smile on his face.  _ Thanks Leo. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: THAT took a turn that I wasn't planning on! A breakdown was inevitable, but I had planned for it a lot further down, however as I started writing this Donnie's breakdown just sort of wrote itself in. I do hope it wasn't overly done in the feels, given that these three show less feeling than Mikey, but they're exhausted and their nerves and emotions are shot from what happened in the last few hours.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone and please let me know what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Special thanks to everyone who reads/reviews the story. I have thousands of views, and lots of kudos, but reviews are almost dead. Favorites and views are a good sign, but I love getting reviews!
> 
> Here's another update! There isn't tons of stuff going on, but I do have the next chapter mostly written so if people are still reading this, it hopefully won't be too long until the next update!

Something woke Leo up. He was positive that he heard someone move. He knew it wasn’t Splinter; his father had already accidentally woke him up when he was leaving to return to his room to meditate and try to calm himself. His father had put his hand on Leo’s shoulder, smiled sadly at him, then quietly retired to his room, knowing that his older children would care for the youngest in his absence.

That was 3 hours ago. He looked to his right and noted that Donnie was still sleeping. _Good, he needs it. Poor kid had to patch up Mikey, while Raph and I did nothing but fight._

He looked up to the bed and noted his red-clad brother sleeping.  _ He probably finally passed out for good. A cat nap will only sustain you for so long. _

He looked next to Raph, and saw only empty sheets where another turtle should have been.  _ NO! Mikey! How did he get passed three ninjas!?  _ Leo shook his head.  _ Not a good ninja, huh Mike? Guess you proved that wrong didn’t you. _

He ran to the living room, finding no one, and finding no sign that Mikey had been there. He looked in the kitchen, and in the dojo, but there was nothing. Frantic, he was about to run back into the bedroom to wake his brothers when he heard a flushing sound and running water.

_The bathroom. He just wanted to use the bathroom. I panicked over the_ bathroom _._ Leo laughed despite everything and shook his head. _Could have been worse though, Leo. Don’t make such a small deal out of it._

Leo was staring absentmindedly at the door when Mikey finally opened it. The youngest stopped dead in his tracks, staring at his oldest brother, unsure of what he should do next. The oldest stared back at Mikey, equally unsure.

They continued to stare at each other for a few seconds, before Leo uttered a quiet, “Morning, Mikey.”

“Yeah, umm, morning Leo.” Mikey replied, clearly uncomfortable.

“Did you manage to sleep ok?” Leo questioned. “Even if you had someone taking up half of your bed?”

Mikey managed a small smile at Leo’s attempt at humor. “I slept ok. Raph snores a lot though, so I can’t hear out of my right ear all that much right now.”

Leo laughed in return. “Yeah, I don’t know how you manage to sleep in the same room with him. I hear him from my own room and it gets annoying.”

“You learn to live with it, I guess.” Mikey said with a shrug.

“I suppose so.”

Leo was happy that they were able to talk, no matter how awkward it was, but it wasn’t enough. Leo wanted to have a real conversation with Mikey, do _something_ , or at least _say_ something to start mending the bridge between them. Something, anything, to show Mikey how much he truly meant to him.

They stood across from each other for a few more awkward seconds before Mikey spoke. “I’ll just go back and lie down I guess. Umm, Raph may wake up and he’ll freak out if I’m not there when he does.”

Leo looked back at the room, then back to Mikey. The orange banded turtle then realized why his oldest brother was awake and standing at the bathroom door.

“Is that why you’re here? Because I got out of bed?”

“I heard a noise,” Leo started, “and Don was still out of it, Raph was still sleeping and you were gone. I had to get up and make sure you were ok.”

“Sorry, Leo.”

“Don’t be. You had to use the bathroom, and I overreacted.”

“Yeah, but, I guess I really hadn’t thought of you guys worrying if you woke up with me gone.”

“Of course we’d worry. We’d search high and low for you if it came down to it. If you weren’t in that bathroom, I’d be searching for you right now. But you were in there, and it’s fine, and you’re ok. That’s what matters.”

Mikey nodded his head, and went to make his way to his room. Leo watched him as he was leaving, not sure what to do. _Say something! Again,_ this _is why he thinks you hate him, because you stare at him like an idiot. You’re the big brother, fix this. Swallow your pride; your brother’s life is worth more than your damn pride._

“Hey, Mikey?” Leo asked quietly. Mikey stopped and looked to his big brother with a questioning look. “Can...can we talk?”

“Leo, I…”

“Please, Mikey. If you don’t want to talk that’s fine, just please listen to me.” Leo pleaded.

Mikey didn’t know how to react. _Why does he sound so desperate to talk to me? Like he wants to actually_ talk _, not lecture me._ He stared at his oldest brother for a while, noting the pleading and worried look in his brother’s eyes. It wasn’t the usual one that he saw from him when he wanted to give him a speech, it was one of concern and, strangely, fear. _Like he’s scared I’ll say no? What’s wrong with Leo?_

“Ok...ok Leo.” Mikey agreed. “Why not.”

Leo thanked whatever deity that was listening to him as he guided his little brother to his room to talk alone. He sat Mikey on his bed, and sat next to him trying to come up with the right words so he didn’t make this worse.

Mikey was sitting there nervously, not sure what was going to happen.  _ Maybe he’ll end up lecturing me on what I did, and what I wanted to do. That’s what Leo does best. So why isn’t he doing anything yet? _

“So…” Leo began, nervously rubbing the back of his head. “How are your arms feeling?”

Mikey looked down at his bandaged arms, thinking it over. “They’re ok. They tingle a little when I move too fast and pull on a stitch or a scab, but they’re ok overall.”

Leo couldn’t help but sigh sadly at his brother’s explanation. “I’m sorry Leo. I shouldn’t have said it that way.”

“ Don’t be sorry, little one.” Leo said, sounding a little choked up. “ _ I’m  _ sorry. I’m so very sorry.”

“For what?”

Leo shook his head. “For what? For everything.”

“But I don’t…”

“You don’t disappoint me.” Leo interrupted. “Not even a little. I know how hard it is for you to focus and concentrate with what you have and I appreciate all the effort you go through to stay as focused as you do. I know I came across like I didn’t like you but, I do. I do, _so_ _much_. You...I know I lecture a lot and I get now that it’s why it seems like I don’t like you, but that’s not...” 

“MIKEY!?” Both turtles turned towards the bedroom to see Raphael run into the living room in a panic. “Mikey! Where the hell are ya?!” Leo watched as Raph put his hands on his head, shaking in disbelief. “How did I miss him moving? Where would he go?” Raph was talking to himself while looking helplessly around the living room. “Leo! Donnie! Mikey’s gone!”

Mikey hesitated for moment, before jumping off his oldest brother’s bed, current conversation forgotten for the time being. He ran into the living room to his brother, to try and calm him down.

“Raphie! I’m right here!” Mikey stood in front of his brother. “See? I’m fine. I just…”

“ _ Mikey _ !” Raph shouted, relief flowing through him. He rushed to his baby brother and hugged him as if he hadn’t seen him in years. At the same time, Donnie came rushing out of the bedroom and saw Raph and Mikey hugging. He also noticed Leo was still sitting on his bed, looking slightly upset and disappointed.

“ Where did you  _ go _ !?” Raphael asked Mkey after a few minutes. “I woke up and you were gone and I had no clue where you went or why and…”

“I just had to use the little turtle’s room, Raph.” Mikey smiled. “That’s all. I’m sorry I worried you.”

Raphael couldn’t help but laugh. “So I just lost it because you had to take a leak? Guess I’m a little too paranoid.”

Mikey sighed sadly. “I made you that way. I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Raph said as he wrapped his arm around Mikey’s smaller frame. “You’re alright and that’s what matters.” He looked at Mikey questioningly. “You _are_ ok, or as ok as you can be, right?”

“ Yeah, Raphie.” Mikey smiled. “I’m fine.”  _ Or I will be, soon. Hopefully. _

“Ok then, since we’re up, we might as well eat.” Raph dragged Mikey with him to the kitchen. “C’mon squirt, let’s get some breakfast.”

“I’m really not that hungry, Raph.”

“I’m sorry, what? _You’re_ not hungry? You love to eat!” Raph said with a smile. “But seriously, you need to eat a little something, at least.”

Reluctantly, Mikey followed his brother to the kitchen while Donnie went to see his oldest sibling. He entered Leo’s room and looked to his brother sitting quietly on his bed.

“Morning Leo.”

Leo looked up with a small smile. “Morning Don. Feeling better?”

“Yeah, I am.” Donnie smiled. “Thanks, Leo.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Leo said with a shrug. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here, ok?”

Donnie merely nodded. “Speaking of needing to talk, are you ok?”

“I tried to talk to Mikey.” Leo replied.

“I take it that it didn’t go well?” Donnie asked quietly.

“It was going ok.I was trying to tell him what I wanted to tell him, but Raph ran out into the living room in a panic and I never got to finish.”

“Don’t worry, Leo.” Donnie comforted. “You’ll have lots of time to talk to him and make things right again. So it didn’t work right now, try later today or something.”

“Yeah, I guess I could.” Leo then added a quiet “Thank you, Donnie.”

Donnie nodded and turned back towards his lab. “I’m going to finish cleaning up from last night. It wasn’t exactly something I was worried about at the time, you know?”

“Of course, Don. Would you like some help?”

Donnie looked at him in surprise. Leo usually never offered to help clean his lab. Donnie smiled at his oldest brother. “Sure. An extra hand cleaning up everything will make it go that much faster. You don’t want to get breakfast first?”

“I’m not hungry, yet.” Leo shrugged. “Besides, Raph and Mikey should have some time alone to talk.”

“You think it’ll be ok?” Don asked, worried. He knew that Raph had a temper and didn’t even want to imagine how badly Mikey would take that anger being directed at him right now.

“They should be fine.” Leo said. “Raph is Mikey’s hero right? If Mikey will talk to anyone it would be him. I doubt that Raph would do something right now to hurt Mikey.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right.” Donnie agreed. He turned to leave Leo’s room, seeing that Leo wasn’t moving. “You coming?”

Leo nodded and followed his younger brother out of his room. He paused for a moment at the entrance of the kitchen and saw his other brothers at the breakfast table. Despite the youngest’s insistence that he wasn’t hungry, his red-banded brother made him a bowl of cereal and was now sitting with him, watching Mikey reluctantly eat. Leo shook his head for a moment, before disappearing into Donnie’s lab.

“Well, this proves it.” Raph said to Mikey with a shrug. “You said you were fine. If you _were_ fine, you’d be done that bowl and on your second, or third by now. So obviously, you’re not fine.”

“Ah c’mon Raph,” his baby brother defended. “I had a hard night. I just don’t feel like eating right now. Maybe later?”

“Yeah, we all had a rough night last night.” He reminded Mikey. “It’s a lot to take in, y’know? The whole depressed bit and the...well, all of it really.”

Raph shook his head to try to forget that train of thought and saw Mikey moving his wrist around, looking uncomfortable. Seeing him do that for some reason almost made him snap at his brother, but he took a breath to settle himself down instead.

_ At this rate, I’m going to need to knit everyday for a month to calm down _ .

“So…” Raph asked, after he calmed down a little.“Did Donnie take care of everything that needed to be taken care of last night?” He tried to hide the bitterness of being left out of the lab, but some of it still seeped through and it didn’t go unnoticed by the youngest.

Mikey put the spoon in the bowl, putting his arms under the table, lowering his head to hide his face from his brother. “I’m sorry Raphie, I really am, it’s just…” Mikey sighed and was silent for a while. Raph sat back and crossed his arms, waiting. “Everyone didn’t need to be in there. I didn’t want everyone to see what I did and tell me how stupid I was for doing it. Shell, I didn’t even let _dad_ see them, and he’s the one that convinced me to go see Donnie. I still kind of wish I had said no, but can’t change the past right?”

“Were they ok? The cuts I mean.” Raph had to know. He wanted to know his brother was at least physically healing. “Donnie patched them all up right?”

“Yeah,” Mikey nodded absentmindedly. “One was starting to get infected, and another one I had was cut pretty deep and it took a while to patch up. The rest were relatively ok, though.”

“ How can they be ok??” Raph blurted out, slamming his hand on the table. The whole situation finally got the best of him. “You sliced your arms,  _ willingly _ , for shell knows what reasons you  _ thought  _ were ok, and now you’re casually telling me that those cuts are now ‘relatively ok’!?” Mikey looked up from the floor, allowing his bigger brother to berate him, knowing that it was coming at some point.

“Well isn’t that just great!” Raph continued, response dripping in sarcasm and his anger on full display. “They’re ‘relatively ok’! Well thank shell for that! Me and Leo weren’t allowed in that room because you didn’t want us, even when you _knew_ we were worried about you, and the best I get is ‘relatively ok’!? I deserve better than that!”

“What more do you deserve!?” Mikey shouted back, hurt and upset by his older brother’s tirade. “I told you what you asked for, he fixed them and they’re ok. Not the best, but ok. He cleaned them up with whatever the shell he has in there. They sting, and they hurt. So yes, they’re “ok” but they’re hurting me, so ‘relatively ok’ sounds just about right.”

Mikey pushed his cereal aside and stood up from the table. “As for why I didn’t want you guys in there, it was because I don’t need more people seeing how fucked up I really am! I had enough knowing that Donnie saw them and was playing 20 questions with himself about all the reasons why I did it, and I didn’t need the two of you in there actually _asking_ _me_ the damn questions that Donnie at least had the decency to ask in his head! I didn’t want the two of you to see this. I don’t need you all to be more disappointed in me than you already are.”

“ _Where_ is this disappointed thing even coming from!?” Raph shouted. “Name me one time I have _ever_ said or shown that I was disappointed in you.”

“I dropped the pizza on the basketball court. You bitched at me all the way home about how I need to be more careful and how I ruined our way of watching the games.”

“I was _mad_ Mikey, not disappointed.”

“It’s the same thing coming from you!” Mikey shouted, facing his older brother. “I messed up the one thing we did for fun where no one would find us! Of _course_ you were disappointed! All of you were!”

Raphael paused for a moment, realizing what Mikey was getting at. “You hurt yourself after that, didn’t you?”

Mikey looked away from his brother. “I screwed up, again. I deserved to be punished.”

“Bullshit you did!” Raphael couldn’t mask the look of horror on his face. “I got mad and yelled at you. _That_ was punishment enough. No knives needed to get involved! You didn’t have to scar yourself up because you dropped a slice of _pizza_ onto a basketball court.”

“I needed a reminder to not screw up again!” Mikey shouted back, facing his brother but moving around to align himself to the lair exit for a quick getaway.

Raph fell silent again, staring at his brother’s arm. His eyes widened suddenly, realizing his mistake. Mikey took note of the change in his brother’s demeanour.

“Raphie? What’s wrong?” Mikey asked, worried about his brother.

“ If I…” the older turtle began, then stopped just as suddenly. He looked up from Mikey’s arm to look him in the eye. “If I hadn’t have got mad at you, you wouldn’t have hurt yourself. You wouldn’t have thought that I was disappointed and it wouldn’t have happened.” Raph shook his head, still mad, but also feeling guilty. “The last thing I would have thought you would have done was  _ that _ !”

“It’s not your fault, Raph.” Mikey tried his best to comfort his big brother. “Whether you yelled at me or not, I still would have done it.”

Raphael’s shot up in surprise and shock.  _ Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. _

“How many other times did you decide slicing yourself up was ‘deserved’!?” Raph shouted. “How many times did we ask you if you were ok, and you told us you were fine, but you really weren't?”

“Raphie, stop…”

Mikey could feel the tears falling on his cheeks. The guilt he felt putting his brothers through all this was too much for him.  _ THIS shouldn’t be happening. I’m still alive, which makes it that much harder for them to get over this. If I were dead this morning like I was supposed to be, at least the wound could start to heal. It can’t heal if I’m still alive; the wound is still open with me here. I’m so sorry I screwed this up again big bros. I’m sorry. I’m sorry… _

“How many times did we disturb you cutting because we called you to know where you were, when you were late coming home, and we were worried that something happened to you? How many times did...”

“ I’m sorry!” Mikey finally shouted out to the surprise of his big brother. “I’m sorry, ok? Are you happy now!? I’m  _ sorry _ . I’m sorry I lied about being happy. I’m sorry I pretended like everything was alright and I’m sorry that all of this happened.”

“Mikey, look…”

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” Mikey continued wiping at his eyes. “You were all supposed to start healing now, getting over this and moving on.” Mikey was slowly backing up towards the exit. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Mikey, just calm down.” Raph tried to soothe him and approach his baby brother. “I’m sorry I lost it…”

Mikey shook his head and back away more from Raph. “You guys shouldn’t be worried about what might set me off and be in a constant panic. Hell, I scared you all when I went to the bathroom! That’s not fair. It’s not fair to any of you. I’m sorry.”

Leo and Donnie had heard raised voices coming from the kitchen and opened the lab door to see what was going on. They saw Raph slowly trying to approach Mikey, like he was trying to not to scare him, and saw Mikey backing away from him, in tears. Leo noted where Mikey was backing away to; the lair exit.

_ Oh no.  _ Leo thought.  _ No, no, no! If he leaves, he won’t be coming back alive. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: Bit of a cliffhanger! Try as he might, Raph can't keep his temper in check. He tried, but the whole thing was bound to make him snap sooner or later; I'm sure Leo didn't expect Raph to snap like that at him. He may have a word or two to say to his temperamental brother at some point.
> 
> Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I honestly didn't realize it had been so long. Life came along and made it hard to sit; tons of overtime at work, a new puppy, all of it came and kicked me in the butt. I'm sorry for the wait, I hope you all can forgive me!
> 
> Here's the next chapter. I admit it also took a bit longer than intended because I'm not 100 percent sure the direction I want it to go next, but I think this is going in the right direction. To anyone still reading this (anyone?), reviews are awesome. :-)

The sound of the lab door opening didn't go unnoticed by the youngest of the team or his temperamental brother. They both looked up for a split second to see where the noise was coming from, and Mikey took advantage of the distraction.

With one last look to his older brothers, Mikey whispered a quick "I'm sorry." and ran out of the lair. Raph had tried to grab onto him at the last moment, but Mikey was the fastest of the four of them, and was gone before Raphael had a chance to stop him.

"No! Mikey! We can talk this through! Come back!" Donnie screamed, running out of the lair, trying in vain to catch up with his only little brother. He stopped after a few seconds; he knew deep down that Mikey was long gone, and that running through the sewers blindly would get him nowhere. Reluctantly, he turned back towards the lair and heard his two older brothers doing what they do best; arguing.

"What the _hell!?_ "Leo shouted, _wow Leo cursed,_ Donnie mused, _he must be livid if he did that._ "You were supposed to be helping him! What the hell were you _thinking_ , Raph!?"

Donnie saw Leo standing and pacing over Raph, who was sitting on a kitchen chair, head in his hands, shaking his head.

"I don't know, Leo." Raph answered, ruefully. "It just happened. I saw his arms, we got to talking about it, and I just lost it."

"You're his hero." Leo spat. "You were supposed to be the one to make him feel better. _You_ were supposed to be his rock in all this, and instead you're the one that drove him away!"

"Don't you think I know that, Fearless!?" Raph shot up out of his chair and shoved his brother away. "Don't you think I know that it's my temper that fucked this up? Don't you think," Raph stopped and added quietly, "don't you think I know that we're going to go find him dead and that it's my fault?"

Raph sat back down in the chair, arms crossed, eyes downcast. Leo shook his head. "It won't be your fault."

"Of _course_ it will be my fault!" Raph shouted. "Who's the one that was talking to him? Me. Who's the one that started yelling at him? Me. Who's the one that couldn't shut his damn mouth and said shit he never should have said? ME! Had I shut up, he'd be sitting in that chair, shoving cereal down his throat. But I didn't, and now he's gone."

An eerie silence passed over the three brothers. Each of them wanting to do something, but none of them knowing where to begin.

"Perhaps not all hope is lost yet, my sons." They looked up to see their Master staring at them intently. "Do not think the worst has happened until you have proof of it in front of you. Perhaps he is merely hiding to think on his own, or perhaps he has been in contact with friends outside the family. Can you not track him, Donatello?"

Donnie's head shot up at the mention of his name. "Huh? Oh, yes, I could. Assuming he still has his phone on him. If not, we'll have to search the old fashioned way. I could also hack into the watch I gave April; it records all incoming and outgoing calls so if he contacted her, it'd be in there."

"Get to it, Donnie." Leo ordered. "Raph and I will go back into your lab and pack a bag with some medical supplies."

"We will?" Raph questioned. "Why?"

"We don't know what condition we'll find Mikey in." Leo told his brother. "I'd rather be prepared with at least some things, then find him and have nothing to help him with."

Raph nodded in agreement. "Yeah, yeah, makes sense." He then turned to his father. "I'm sorry Sensei, if I had just…"

Splinter raised a paw to silence his son. "I know what you are going to say and I do not want your apology." Raph hung his shoulders and dropped his head to his plastron in guilt. He shot up again when he felt his father's paw rest on his hand. "I do not blame you for your brother running off. Everyone has been tense and it was inevitable that someone would get upset. You must move passed the blame and go after your brother. I refuse to believe that this morning was the last time Michelangelo was in this home, alive. You will find your brother and bring him back."

Raphael looked into his father's eyes and saw the sincerity in them. With a new found resolve, he stood up from the chair and followed his older brother. "Right. We'll get out there, we'll find Mikey and we'll bring him home."

Leo grabbed Donnie's usual medical bag and began going through the contents. He added extra bandages and gauze along with some disinfectant spray. _Hopefully we won't need this but you never know._

"Got everything?" Raph asked as he entered the lab.

"I think so. At least the small things that we'd need if we find him...you know."

"Yeah. I get it Fearless." They fell silent for a few moments, Raph helping to put some items in the bag. "I didn't mean to snap at him."

"I know."

"It's just that, he's taking all this so lightly. Like none of us should be bothered by this."

"I know."

"Is that all you can say? I know!?" Raph said indignant.

"You didn't mean to snap at him. I know that. Normally I'd punch you for it, but right now I'm more worried about finding my brother alive than fighting with you about how your temper can make things worse."

"Listen here Fearless," Raph growled, "I know that my temper gets..."

"Guys! I found him!" Donnie came running into the lab, punching buttons on his wristband.

"You tracked him down!?" Leo exclaimed. "Where is he? Is he ok?"

"He called April not long after he left! He's on his way there now."

"Donnie," Raph said, "it's light out. How is he going to get to April's right now?"

Leo nodded in agreement. "You sure that's where he's going?"

Donnie sighed and played the conversation to his older brothers from his recorder.

*Starts recorded message*

"Hello?"

"Hi April." The sadness in Mikey's voice chilled his brothers. _He usually sounds so happy._ Leo mused. _To hear him like this hurts._

There was a pause in the conversation, like April wasn't sure of who was on the phone. "Mikey? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"What happened to hey angelcakes?" She said with a small laugh. "I don't remember the last time you didn't call me that."

"Oh, sorry April." Mikey paused for a moment and tried again in the happiest voice he could come up with. "What's up, Angelcakes!"

"That sounded very forced." April said, starting to sound worried.

"Yeah, it kind of was."

"You don't sound ok, Mikey." Now she _was_ worried. Mikey never liked to admit when something was bothering him. _April picked up that something was wrong in 30 seconds._ Raph thought to himself. _We live with him and we saw nothing. What's wrong with us?_

"I'm kind of not ok, I guess."

"What's wrong?"

"I...I did a few things I shouldn't have and made a mess of things at home." Mikey told her. _That's not entirely true, kiddo._ Donnie thought. _You didn't make a mess of anything. We mishandled all of this from the very beginning and now we're paying for it._

"Did you do a prank that got them mad at you?"

"It wasn't a prank, April. But I did do something."

"And now they're mad and you want to lay low?" April asked, not sounding as worried as she did a few moments ago.

"They're not mad. Well, Raph is mad, but he's always mad. They're...scared I guess. And I caused it, and I know how to fix it, but I'm scared and…"

"Mikey!" April interrupted the now rambling turtle. "What did you do? Are you alright?"

"Yeah...no. I don't know." _Poor kid sounds so lost and scared._ Leo thought sadly. _We should be out there looking for him._

"Are you hurt?"

There was a pause for a moment, before a quiet. "You could say that."

"What does that mean? Mikey, are you hurt?"

A sigh. "Yes."

"Did you go home yet and let Donnie have a look at you?" Worry was back in April's voice again.

"That's where I came from! Donnie already patched me up last night. I want to make them stop worrying and get rid of what's causing their problem, but, Donnie took all the time to fix me and I'll feel bad ruining the work he did and…" Mikey was sounding more choked up by the second.

 _Get rid of what's causing our problem?_ Raph shook his head. _Mikey, you're not a problem, hell you're not a "what". How can you talk about yourself like that?_

"Mikey." April began, voice serious. "Did _you_ hurt yourself?"

There was silence on the other end of the line. April waited for a few seconds to see if the turtle would answer her. When he didn't, she tried again. "Mikey? Did you do something to yourself?"

There was a sniffle on the other end of the phone and a sob. "Yes. And I kind of want to again, but a part of me doesn't, and I don't know what to do."

"Come here."

"What? April it's light out. I honestly don't know why I called but I can't..."

"I don't care." April was adamant. "I'll meet you somewhere dark and I'll bring a coat to hide you or something. I don't care how, but you are coming to my apartment. If you don't want to go home, then you're coming here. I'm not leaving you alone wherever you are thinking the things you're thinking."

"April, I…" Mikey sounded hesitant.

"Come up the manhole cover behind my apartment. I'll be there waiting for you."

"Ok, April." He sounded defeated, like he had no fight in him left anymore. "I'll be there in a bit."

*end of recording*

"How long ago was that phone call, Don?" Leo asked.

"About 10 minutes ago." Don replied. "I think he called her as soon he got far enough away from the lair, when he was sure that we wouldn't catch up to him."

"Let's go then!" Raph spoke up. "We're going to meet up with him at April's and fix this mess up."

Donnie shook his head. "Wait, Raph. Maybe we should leave Mikey to talk to April on his own."

"What!?" Raph barked, approaching his younger brother menacingly. "You want to _not_ go after your suicidal baby brother? Do you not give a shit!?"

"Of course I give a shit! What kind of stupid question is that!" Donnie shouted back. "I didn't spend all that time patching him up, hoping he'd open up to me because I didn't give a shit! What's wrong with you!"

Raphael stared at his normally passive brother. Rare was it that Donnie raised his voice or got upset in any way. Raph sighed, knowing that he was the cause of the outburst.

"Look I'm - I'm sorry. I really don't know what else to say. It's just that Mikey is out there and I drove him out of the lair and if he dies it's my fault. I need him home to watch him and keep him safe."

"He said to April that he was scared." Leo spoke up. " _And_ he said that a part of him doesn't want to hurt himself. That's something, right?"

"It is." Splinter said from the entrance of the lab. _Where does he come from!?_ Raph questioned. _Always sneaks in when you least expect it._ "He reached out for help, let her help him. I realize that you wanted to be the ones he reached out to, but sometimes it is easier to deal with these problems with people other than family."

"But we _want_ to help, dad!" Leo sighed exasperated. "Why won't he let us?"

"You already know why." Splinter reminded him. "He doesn't want to burden us with his problems. He firmly believes that he is in our way. He wouldn't ask for help from those that he thinks he is already a burden to."

Splinter smiled sadly to his three emotionally strung out children. _Oh my poor lost son. If only you could see how much your brothers adore you._

"He chose April to help him during this time." Splinter continued. "I know that she will do all she can to help him overcome this and he will eventually open up to us. We cannot rush this or it may come back against us in a negative way. Do not go to April's house unannounced. Give them time to talk. You may call April later to ask about Michelangelo's whereabouts, but right now, give the child time to talk to her."

The three brothers nodded sadly in understanding as they watched their father retire to his room.

 _Maybe April will have better luck than we did_. Raph thought to himself. _She sure as hell can't do much worse._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: April's here! I admit I have a good chunk of the next chapter written, but I'm unsure if I want it to go the way I wrote it or take it on another path entirely. Either way, thank you guys for making it this far and please let me know what you think! I also have another story written (more angst, go figure), just have to polish it and post that one too.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to the people that reviewed the last chapter. I'm glad you are still enjoying it and I greatly appreciate all the compliments. Reviews keep me going, so please don't hesitate to review!
> 
> This chapter is long, or at least a lot longer than the other chapters. I couldn't find a good spot to cut it, so I left it as one big chapter. Also, the story that April tells in this chapter is my head-canon. Before someone posts another review about them being the same age, I'll reiterate; head-canon. Don't have to agree with it, but also don't have to be rude about it if someone sees it differently. If it bugs you that much that I put them with an age difference, by all means, skip this chapter. It's also loaded with feels. This story has been pretty sad though, so maybe a bit of family feels is a good change of pace for a bit.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!

"Can we listen in on their conversation?"

"Raph!" Leo shouted.

"What?" Raphael asked innocently. "We can't _go_ there, but that doesn't mean that we can't listen in to see what Mikey's really thinking and what's going on."

Leo looked to Raph, unsure about his idea.

"If something went wrong and Mikey ran off," Raph pressed on, "we'd know about it right away. That may be the difference between finding Mikey alive or dead."

The blue-eyed leader stared at his brother for a few moments before nodding in agreement. "Donnie, is there a way for you to listen in on her watch without them knowing?"

"Of course there is!" Donnie huffed, slightly insulted. "Just say when and I'll patch us in."

"When!" Leo and Raph said together.

Donnie smirked and pressed a few buttons on his wrist console. Within seconds the sound of rustling could be heard through the device.

"Good to see hacking is a challenge for you." Leo said wryly.

"Hey, I made that watch." Donnie smirked. "You think I didn't include an easy backdoor way for me to be able to hack into it in case it would be necessary?"

"Shh!" Raph whispered. "Would you guys just shut up and _listen_!?"

*At April's house*

"There we go." April said, trying to keep the atmosphere light. Mikey hadn't said a word to her since she met with him at the manhole cover over 5 minutes ago. Mikey usually never stopped talking. This silent Mikey was worrying April a great deal.

She helped him take off the coat and the hat that she had brought with her to cover him up and hung it back in the closet. Mikey meanwhile, stayed glued to the spot he was in when April had first led him into her apartment.

"Are you hungry, Mikey?" A head shake. "Really? You're always hungry."

"Raph said the same thing to me this morning." Mikey deadpanned.

"That's because you always eat at the first chance you get." She smiled lightly. "I'm sure I have some leftover pizza for you."

"No thank you, April. I'm not hungry."

April paused for a moment to take a good look at him. _He looks so sad. Since when does that happen? I didn't think Mikey was capable of being sad. He's always so happy and looking on the bright side of things._ April smiled and reached out to the young turtle. "Do you want to sit down?"

Mikey nodded. April reached out and grabbed for his hand, but accidentally his his forearm, which caused the turtle to hiss a little in pain, and caused April to jump in surprise.

"I'm so sorry, Mikey! I didn't realize that you…" She stopped for a moment staring at the bandaged up arms and remembered something Mikey said to her on the phone. _He said Donnie patched him up earlier and that he hurt himself and wanted to again and...oh no. Not this. Not Mikey._

"Mikey?" April asked carefully. "Was this what Donnie patched up last night?"

Mikey nodded in response, tears starting to fill his eyes.

"Is this what you meant when you said that you had hurt yourself?"

Tears fell freely as he nodded again.

"Oh, Mikey." April breathed, tears of her own falling. "C'mon, let's go sit and talk, ok?"

Wordlessly Mikey followed her to the couch where she took a hand in hers and squeezed, afraid to let him go.

"Can you tell me what happened?" April gently probed, gently rubbing his hand to try to calm him. Her eyes kept darting back to the bandages. She couldn't stop a few tears from falling down her cheeks at the sight of them covering the usual joyful turtle's arms.

"It's just, everything is too much, you know?" Mikey started. "I, I can't keep pretending to be happy and that nothing bothers me."

"No one expects you to, sweetie." April reminded him gently. "If there's something bothering you, tell someone. Sure you're always happy, that's your natural personality, but even _you_ are allowed to have an off day. And you're more than welcome to share with anyone you wish. Especially with your brothers."

"No. I can't do that."

"Why not?" April ask, genuinely confused.

"They have enough things to worry about to have to worry about me and if something is bothering me."

"Oh, Mikey." April admonished him gently, reaching out to cup his cheek. "Your brothers worry about you all the time. You may not want them to, but they do. It's part of being a big brother. You're the baby of the family. You're _their_ baby, and they will always worry and look out for you, whether you realize it or not."

"They shouldn't have to!" Mikey cried. "They have their own things to worry about. They shouldn't waste their time worrying about their little runt of a brother that does nothing useful for the family."

April looked up at Mikey, shocked. Fresh tears gleamed in her eyes as she looked up at him. "You really believe that you do nothing for your family?"

Mikey nodded. "I just cause trouble, April. If I wasn't there, their lives would be so much easier. They could focus on each other, on developing their talents, anything they wanted. I wouldn't be there in the way. "

"You do a lot for your family and they need you, Mikey." April told him. "Maybe not in a way that you think is important, but they need you."

"They can learn how to cook, April." Mikey shrugged. "That's about all I do, cook. Not much else other than that."

"Mikey, can I tell you a story?" April asked quietly, small smile on her face.

"What for?"

"So that I can prove to you how much you mean to your family."

Mikey looked up at her, slightly confused and shrugged. "Sure, I guess so."

April squeezed Mikey's hand and up smiled at him. "When I was little, my dad worked in a lab that had turtles. First there was just one, then another one came around, and eventually another one. I wanted to tell them apart, so I put spots of color on their backs, one blue, one red and one purple. The three turtles were each in different aquariums, but the aquariums were all pressed up against each other. They could see each other, and hear each other, and believe me, the red one liked to growl about _everything_ , but none of the turtles really acknowledged the others at all. They just pretty much ignored each other."

Mikey looked up at April, lost. "And where do _I_ fit into this?"

"I'm getting to that!" She chuckled. "The scientists wanted another turtle to work on, but the mother was stressed and the eggs were either laid unfertilized, or the ones that _were_ fertilized either died before they hatched, or died right after they hatched. They were about to give up when in the last clutch, one small little turtle hatched, and survived."

Mikey looked at her and smiled weakly. "Is that me?"

April nodded, eyes a little glossy. "That little turtle was very sick, and small. Maybe half the size of his three brothers when they had hatched. The scientists really didn't think he'd survive, and my dad said I shouldn't get too attached to him. But, I had to give him a color like I did his brothers, because I didn't want him left out. So, I put an orange spot on his shell. That little guy was pretty close to death to be honest with you, but the scientists decided that they could use the little guy's sickness to test if the mutagen could help him get strong enough to pull through. It was rough at first, and they weren't sure some nights if the turtle would wake up in the morning. He'd stop moving for the longest time; sometimes it looked like he wasn't even breathing anymore. But, somehow, that little guy would fight through it and make it to the next day."

"That's cool and all April, but, how does that fit in with me and them?"

"If you'd let me finish the story, you'd see!" She admonished him gently, lightly smacking him in the shoulder.

"Sorry, April."

"It's ok, Mikey."

Back at the lair, the brothers were intently listening to April's story.

"He was that sick?" Leo asked, surprised.

"Hell if I know. S'not like I remember it." Raph replied.

"It would explain why he's smaller than us." Donnie stated. "If he almost died when he hatched due to sickness, his system probably never ended up as well developed as ours because of it. If he was that sick, it's really nothing short of a miracle that he's even here at all."

"Really not making us feel any better here, Donnie." Leo deadpanned.

"Good point. Sorry, Leo."

"Shut up!" Raph told them. "Sounds like she's starting up again."

"There came a point when I think that little guy had enough. He was so small and young, maybe a couple of weeks old, no little guy should go through that." She said sadly, stroking Mikey's head. "That little turtle started whimpering and crying a _lot_. I think it was getting harder and harder for him to breathe, and his little body just couldn't take much more. You could tell that he was in a lot of pain."

Mikey looked up at her, unsure of how he was supposed to react. _If I hatched that sick, why am I even here? If it would have happened out in nature, I would have died not long after hatching like the rest of them._ Mikey smiled lightly at her, silently urging her to continue while trying to hide what he was really thinking.

Meanwhile underground, three brothers exchanged glances with each other, each saddened to hear how much their baby brother had suffered when he was a baby and equally saddened that they had been unable to help him. _Couldn't help you then, can't help you now._ Raph sighed. _Some big brothers we are._

Four brothers, although separated, were all patiently waiting for April to continue with the story.

"So, what happened to me?"

"One day, you were at the bottom of your aquarium, near the water. You used to be able to slowly make you way to the heat lamp and to your food at the top, but by that point your body just had enough. You were trying so hard to make it, you had the heart and determination to get there, but your body just wouldn't cooperate. You ended up staying at the bottom of your aquarium, staring up at where you wanted to be, whimpering and making little clicking noises." April paused to sniffle a little. "It was so hard to watch you dying right in front of me, but dad said to not help you, and let nature take its course."

"Ok, well, obviously _something_ happened." Mikey shrugged. "I'm here. How does everything tie together?"

April shrugged and shook her head. "Teenagers just have no patience." She said, laughing lightly. "I'm getting to it!"

"Those three other turtles, the ones that ignored all the other sounds they had heard from each other, heard that little one's cries and whimpers, and came to the edge of their aquariums to look at him. I watched them slowly raise their heads in his direction, and they answered the calls. They tried to communicate with him as best they could. They kept looking at that sick, dying little turtle in that other aquarium, and it was like they were trying to encourage him to get up and move."

"So, what happened to him? I mean, I know it's me, and I know I'm here _now_ , but what happened between then and now?" Mikey asked.

"The little one had absolutely no energy left to even try. He just had the energy left to make noises. It was like the other three sensed that something was going to happen to him and they wanted to help him. For four years there was nothing; they were perfectly content in their aquariums, minding their own business, not causing any trouble, well, except for the red one when he smashed his aquarium glass. The next thing I know, they're all trying to climb out of their aquariums to get to him and help. One's trying to smash through the glass, the other is looking at the branches in his tank to see if he could climb them and get over, and the other one was trying to figure out the quickest way to get over the glass and to his little brother, without getting hurt in the process."

Back at the lair, the older brothers smiled fondly.

"Least we did something." Raph said.

"Yes, but at least some of us didn't try to smash our aquariums open to get to him." Leo teased.

"Hey, I would have got there faster." Raph defended.

"Nah, you were still small. If anything, you would have hurt yourself and poor Mikey would be missing a big brother." Leo carried on.

Looking over they noticed Donnie lost in thought. "Hey D, thoughts?"

"Huh? Oh, right." Donnie smiled a little embarrassed. "I was just thinking that the mutagen had an effect on us rather early on. Normal turtles most likely wouldn't have reacted the way that we did."

"Guess there's one reason to be thankful for the mutagen then." Leo smiled, then noted some noise coming from April's apartment. "I think she's going to start again."

April had paused for a moment, smiling at Mikey and wiping her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time. "In the end, I helped them all into the aquarium even though my dad said I should have left them alone. I couldn't pass up the chance of the bigger, older turtles being able to help that cute little baby. Those three were determined to get to him, so they would have made it to him eventually anyway, even if I hadn't helped them."

Mikey looked at April, now intrigued. _They were wanting to help a sick, dying turtle that much? Huh, see Mikey, even back then you caused problems for your brothers. Good job._

April smiled, now having Mikey's full attention, and continued. "The three of them went right to the little one and at first, just sniffed him, and rubbed their heads together. I must admit, it was really sweet. It was like a first encounter mixed in with a reassurance to the little orange one that they'd help him."

"Once they did that, the three older ones turned and started chirping at each other. It's like they were talking about what they could do to help him. They all looked up at the heat lamp, and the food. I knew that they had a plan, and that they were going to do everything they could to get that little guy better. The next thing I know, the red one stands beside the you, and lowers himself to the ground. Then the purple one started chirping at the baby, while the blue one went to the other side to help him up. I don't know how they did it, but they managed to get you onto his back."

"Why'd they do that for?" Mikey questioned out loud.

"I'm sure you can figure it out." April smiled.

Mikey paused for a moment to think it over. He looked up at her after a few seconds, wide eyed.

"So that Raphie could bring me up to the lamp!"

April nodded her head. "Raph carried you, very carefully may I add, to the top of the ramp and to the heat lamp to try and warm you up. Leo and Donnie walked on either side of Raph to catch you in case you fell off of his shell. It took a long time, but they got you up there and under that lamp. Donnie and Raph laid down next to you to try to keep you as warm as they could and Leo went to the leaves in your tank and brought a few back for you to eat. You didn't eat much, but Leo kept chirping at you, and you took a few more bites. It's like Leo was giving you a speech, telling you that you had to eat more."

Back at the lair, Raph couldn't help but laugh. "Of _course_ Leo would lecture. It's what he does best."

Leo simply responded by giving his younger brother a playful shove.

"At least I got him to eat." Leo grinned, then turned back to continue listening.

"When Leo finally decided that you had enough to eat, he joined the other two and wrapped himself around you as much as he could. Whenever you woke up whimpering or crying, they would all wake up to help with whatever you needed. Then the guys would say a few chirps to each other, and go back to bed. It took a few weeks, but it did the trick. The infection finally cleared and, little by little, you started to get more energy until finally you ended up with more energy than the other three _combined_. My dad said that you were always going to stay smaller compared to the other three because you were so sick when you were born, but, that's a small price to pay in the end. Well, I think anyway."

Story complete, April sighed and stared at Mikey, waiting for him to respond to what she had explained to him. "I'm sorry April, but, I still don't get it." Mikey shrugged. "You said you wanted to prove to me how much I meant to my family, but I just got a story of how I almost died, but didn't."

April leaned over and rested her forehead on Mikey's. "Before you came around, your brothers never looked at each other, never acknowledged each other's existence, ignored the chirping, the growling, basically ignored everything about each other. They were perfectly fine living their own life, not ever dealing with each other."

"But then _you_ came around, and all that changed." April smiled softly, resting her hands on Mikey's face. "They ran right to you the moment you needed them. They talked to you, you made them talk to _each other_ , something that never happened in the all years before you were there. You brought a family together. You brought your siblings together. You _made_ this family complete. I know it sounds cheesy, but you were what completed the family, and made it whole. _You_ brought it together."

April paused for a moment to wipe the tears off the orange banded turtle's face. "And without you, honestly Mikey, without you, there wouldn't be a family. If you ever left, your family would fall apart. I'm sure they'd go right back to how they were before you came along. You're like the glue that holds it all together. I saw it first hand when you were born; your family _adores_ you."

Wordlessly, April embraced the youngest turtle. "They don't care if you play games and have fun, they don't care if you're smaller than them, none of that matters to them. _You_ matter to them. Seeing you ok matters to them. Knowing that you're safe matters to them. You give them a reason to keep training and keep fighting. Without you, they'd just stop caring."

Mikey slowly returned the hug, emotions torn. On one hand, he was happy that he was able to unite a family. On another, he was sure that they were staying together out of what they felt was a necessity for his sake, not because they truly wanted to be and felt that he was in the way of his family's happiness.

The two sat quietly for a few minutes, before April spoke up. "Would you like to stay here for a while? Just to relax and think things through?" She knew Donatello had a way of listening through her watch. She also knew that the three of them would be frantic right now and would be rushing to get to her apartment to talk to him. She wanted them to talk and work it out, but she also wanted Mikey to have some quiet time to think about what she said.

April felt Mikey tense up and rubbed his shell to calm him. "Are you worried that they'll come by to get you?" After a few moments, she felt a small nod. "They'll be so mad that I ran, April."

"No, no they won't. They'll be happy that you came here and that you're ok." She still felt Mikey tense in her arms. "I could always call them to let them know that you're ok, and tell them not to come by until I call and tell them they can."

Mikey eventually nodded his head in agreement and April released her hold on the small turtle. They were silent for a few moments again before Mikey asked her quietly to go to her spare room. "Just to lay quiet for a bit and think. I'll probably end up having a nap too."

April smiled as she reached for the phone. "No problem, Mikey. Go lay down. You've had a rough day, and it's not even noon yet."

Mikey nodded to her in thanks and went towards the spare room, April watching his retreating form with a foreboding sense of dread. _Mikey seems to have understood how much he is needed by his family. At least I hope he did._ April mused. _So why do I have a feeling that something horrible is going to happen?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N 2: I don't have a turtle at home, but I looked up turtle habitats and I really hope that what I described made sense. I also hope that you all enjoyed the little story and that it wasn't too "out there" for everyone.
> 
> Please let me know if you liked it and if anyone is still reading and if I should continue.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N #2: Mikey calling Splinter papa in the 2012 cartoon was both the cutest/saddest thing I’ve seen. I had to put Mikey calling him that here, I refuse to let that one go.
> 
> I’ve asked this before, but please review? I know I said above that I know people like it if they favorited, but I’m not sure if enough do to keep going with this, wherever it may lead.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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